July Death Cafe Meeting Musings





Stuff, Suffering, and Summer in Vermont

As we gathered on a beautiful summer evening last month it seemed everyone was full of gratitude for the space The Montpelier Death Cafe has created in our community. "Coming to Death Cafe and listening to what people share about their own experiences has helped me immensely in how I process my own thinking on death and dying," said one person as we checked in.

Fear, specifically what we fear about death seemed to be on people's minds. "If I fear anything it's not so much death as it is not enjoying life and what I have… Death Cafe has been instrumental in helping me focus on the now," said one person. One of the older members said, "As I find myself in this next phase of life where I want to prepare for death, because I want to be able to do it without fear." This statement resonated with another person who said, "I want some control over how the end of my life. I don't want it just to happen to me, I want to be an active part of it."

Another attendee had some thoughts on how to prepare for death, "Someone asked me what life would be life if I knew exactly when I was going to die and it's amazing how I took it to heart because what I've been doing is divesting myself of all my stuff, just letting go of what I've accumulated. It's been a huge weight of my shoulders and I now I feel like I can really focus on what I want to do with the rest of my life."

"Letting go, of stuff and of emotions, is so important," said another member, "When my mother died all of her stuff could fit into a a shopping bag and it really taught me how to die- she did what she wanted and it was such a gift because nothing else was important anymore."

"I think the nicest thing I can do for family is get rid of all my clutter," said one person, "it may sound trivial, but that's what I want to take care of before I die. My biggest fear is that I will leave a mess for my children." Another person seemed to agree but added, "while I want the end of my life to be simple I also don't want to spend what's left of my limited amount of energy on sorting through my stuff."

"I wish I knew exactly what I was afraid of," said someone, "But when I think about dying I hit a wall and every time I think about death I hit that wall again… that there/not there, it's just a lot."

This prompted someone to say, "I really think I'm not afraid of dying. In fact, what I am is curious… but I am afraid of lingering. I hope I'll be able to just go." Another person agreed, "I'm not afraid of dying but I do feel a heavy burden knowing I can't make other people not sad about my death."

"When someone dies before you," someone said, "you have to choose if you are going to fall apart or keep living, maybe even learn from it. Dying is easy. But yes, for the people left behind it can be very hard."

"We experience so much loss throughout life," said another person, "and loss does mean suffering, but at the same time- a Vermont summer's day, isn't that heaven on earth?"

We all took a moment to enjoy the breeze blowing in through the cafe windows. A person spoke up "Sometimes I think I sweat the small stuff more than the big stuff, but then I realize there is no small stuff. The small stuff can be huge, significant things and I wonder if it's ok that it doesn't feel like any less."

"I'm so glad to be here with you," the last person spoke, "I don't have anyone else to ponder these things with and it gets a little hard when it's just in my head."

Written by Michelle Acciavatti, co-facilitator
If you would like to submit your own write-up of a Death Cafe, or have comments. Please email Montpelierdeathcafe@gmail.com


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