"The stories we tell in death cafe can have tremendous power in our outside lives"
A write up of Montpelier Death Cafe
February 2016 Death Cafe
Post Meeting Musings
"The stories we tell in death cafe can have tremendous power in our outside lives"
The relationship between grief and death is obvious, but the relationship between grief and life is much more complex. After all, not matter what the source, grief is the burden of the living. Grief, then, becomes a question of identity. The challenge is how we move through grief, accepting the changes that precipitated it, and finding a new way to come into relationship with ourselves.
Our small group this meeting was one quite familiar with grief and everyone had something to share. "Grief is what happens when we carry the sorrow for what we have lost," someone shared. "Grief can be mixed with gratitude" because of the lessons it has to teach us in our darkest moments, said another person. Grief can bring us closer to our communities, but sometimes, it is something "we have to do by ourselves," said another.
It is our "willingness to move into our dark spaces and inhabit them that allows us to integrate ourselves with our grief," offered on attendee. "We need time to allow the grief to come into our lives over and over again" replied another, "it is something we go through endlessly, on many levels, and it is ok to admit that." "Yes" said another person, "it is ok for grief to become a part of who we are- that's not a bad thing. No one should feel that they need to move on from grief. Unless it is a danger to them, being in that dark place is a part of healing, revisiting that dark place is a part of healing." "Being witnessed in that dark place" added someone, "having someone to share stories with is a very special part of healing." Death Cafe is a place we come because we can share our stories and "the stories we tell in death cafe can have tremendous power in our outside lives" just by telling them and being heard, someone said.
If we lose ourselves in the terribleness of grief we lose the capacity to find the gift, not a gift that will make up for it, but the gift we can take away and make a part of who we are.
As someone shared, "I need to let my heart be broken in the moment, experience the whole range of the emotion. Because the deeper I drop into grief the deeper I can drop into joy." Someone added, "There is a relationship between grief and joy and every other emotion." Allowing ourselves to experience grief fully connects us to our deepest emotions, and on a very human level, connects us with other people. "We all experience grief, said one person, "feeling connected to my grief makes me feel connected to other people's grief."
But grief is powerful and it can take over our lives in a negative way. "I have learned," said one person, "to make a space for grief. To let it come in, but also let it move through me. To let it go." "Healing," said another person, "comes from letting go, but you have to fully experience grief before you can let it go." "I try," said someone "to realize there is a difference between between letting go and going away. I can let go of grief, but it will never go away, it is just a part of me now."
Towards the end of the night someone said "Grief is always in relation to change. So the more we learn to be with grief, the more equipped we are for life- to let all things come and let them go. To just be present for each moment." That, that is the beautiful part of the relationship between grief and living.
Michelle Acciavatti, Co-Facilitator
If you would like to submit your own write-up to a meeting please email: montpelierdeathcafe@gmail.com