December After Meeting Thoughts





December 2015 Montpelier Death Cafe
2nd Anniversary Meeting
After Meeting Thoughts


"I'm not as afraid of dying because I've become less afraid of living"

This meeting marked our second full year of meeting every month. There are regulars in our communities, one-timers, drop-ins. As we say in our invitation, "each month the conversation deepens and evolves." But thanks to all of you who have helped us create a truly vibrant and inspiring death cafe.

We talked about suicide and dementia at this meeting and it was surprising how the two subjects blended in the discussion. We were not having two separate conversations. "Losing control is big part of the fear of death," said one person. "We are," said another "the creators of our lives, and of what is beyond this life. We do not have to endure what genetics imposes, we should get to choose." "Death can be devastating, death can designed, death can orchestrated, death can be beautiful as long as we let that death be what it is," said another person.

There was a surprising tenderness for suffering that united the conversation on a deep level. As one person shared their experience with how much better it was to focus on what their family member with dementia could still do in light of so many focusing on they could no longer do, another member mused that we all have deep inner lives that can be hard to reach. With dementia the barriers may be harder to breach, but how many of us "are willing to look beyond the "I'm fine and really look into someone? How often do we accept the facade when we could do more to connect?" We have such power to be present with one another is we accept them for who they truly are, without demanding they be anyone else or have any other abilities.

"If we really want to have a sense of responsibility for someone," added another person, "then we accept the responsibility of being with their suffering- not fixing it and certainly not judging their choices." And isn't it remarkable that "we live in a world where we can experience the beauty of accompanying someone through death and the despair and pain of that death" as another person pointed out? So much of life can be enriched by "really noticing where someone else is and being with them instead of being consumed with where I am."

By challenging each other to be compassionate, we were all really talking about how to be present in community with one another. It seems like talking about death often brings us to  contemplate our common humanity. "Life and death are woven in the same fabric- by coming here I feel like I'm not as afraid of dying because I've become less afraid of living, said one woman." And, all around the room, we nodded our heads in agreement.

Michelle Acciavatti, Co-Facilitator
If you would like to submit your own write-up to a meeting please email: montpelierdeathcafe@gmail.com


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