September 17th 2015
A write up of Montpelier Death Cafe
In a small community one person's death resonates. And so, at our September meeting, many people came seeking to speak about Jean whose sudden death had had a profound impact on them.
Whether we knew Jean or not, the raw emotions raised when someone passes away could be felt in the room. We talked about grief. We talked about loss. We talked about how they were related, but not the same. We talked about the transformative power of death. And in our own ways, we talked about fear.
Some were blunt "I used to think I was one of those people who was philosophical about death, I don't feel that way anymore." Some, more round-about "A great gift we can give each other is never leave things unsaid while we're still alive." "I can understand why no one wants to talk about death," said one woman "who would want to empathize with this experience?"
We feel death in big ways and small ways: "Who will let the chickens out?" asked Jean's neighbor. "It's been six years since anyone other than myself said my husband's name in conversation," said a different woman. But if we have felt death we all felt glad to be together in that room, to be with death in this way, for any opportunity to talk about death, to talk about how we felt. No matter how someone dies there is pain for those who are left. And for some, that pain is important. "I want to feel what I feel for as long as I want to feel it."
We live in a culture that tries to teach us to "move on" when someone dies. For many of us moving on means we are denied the chance to immerse ourselves in the death of loved one. Grief feels almost "like a set of still frames from a movie" and it helps to process how we feel in each frame, to carry our loss with us in whatever way we choose. For those who are left there is an overwhelming sense of finality that can be traumatizing. The dead are gone and we are left behind. Moving on only increases that sense of distance.
How do we make it better? We talk, we share. We admit that it is OK to miss someone who has died, we speak their names, we remember the life that was lived. "We can try and bring a healing compassionate feeling to everything. We don't have to know how to do it, but we can try." While we can't live each moment of our lives content that we are prepared to die, that our loved ones are prepared for our loss, "we can just accept what is." We can't plan, we can't know, but we can "practice letting go of what we can't plan". We can come to the community that is Death Cafe and simply be with those who have also chosen to come.
"Being comfortable with death has everything to do with the relationships we have in life and being open-hearted, open, honest, and positive with the people I interact with," someone said, adding, "When you meet death straight on, it changes you and it changes the way you treat others."