Staying in the moment with Death
A write up of Marie Curie Death Cafe Penarth
By Rhi Axtell
Facilitator: Lisa Casson
There were five of us in attendance this month, and, to quote one of the attendees, it felt like a ‘meeting of like-minded people’. Right away during introductions, a seed was planted which would shape the discussions throughout the café: How do we stay in the moment? How do we slow down and appreciate what we have? Especially with the consideration that we could die at any moment.
With this question to consider, we also discussed what we need to have in place – a living will, for sure, and power of attorney, but also what conversations do we need to have with our loved ones while we are still healthy enough to have them?
This discussion blossomed into a further question: what makes a good death? What do we envision we will need when we are dying – where do we see ourselves? What objects to we have around us? Are there sounds or smells we particularly want to have nearby? Do we want to die with people around us, or alone? We let the questions hang in the air.
One participant worked in a children’s hospice and brought to the discussion the importance of having conversations around death with children. They mentioned that social media has brought an awareness of death to people that wasn’t there before and potentially has opened up conversations about it. We reflected on the impacts adults have around children in how they react to death – what are children learning about death from us?
We also reflected on the moments after death when we are sitting with our loved ones. Do people know that they can clean and tend to the body after someone has died? This is often done for children, but is often not recognised as being an option when an adult dies.
Once again, we returned to staying in the moment – just after someone has died. Lisa shared about the importance of sitting with the person, not rushing, maybe not moving at all for a while. We talked about capturing these important moments – death being just as magical and mysterious as birth.
Finally, we returned to conversations with loved ones, about our needs and requests around our own death, about giving family members an opening to talk about death – and welcoming that conversation – and trying to build it more into the day-to-day.