Report on Dulwich Death cafe


A write up of Dulwich Death Cafe

By annkenrick




 Around 27 strangers gathered in Bell House on a lovely summer evening and after an introduction the group split into three tables facillitated by me, Trevor Moore and Melanie Woollcombe.

 

We discussed the different grieving processes between a long drawn out death (and the ‘double bereavement’ when someone has dementia) and a sudden death. Which is harder to bear?

 

Is it a good idea to keep remembering someone by visiting a grave and looking at/holding things that belonged to them - or is it better to make a ‘clean break’ and move on?

 

How do we best encourage someone to talk about death, especially if they are seriously ill and unwilling? One idea is to encourage them to write about themselves and also think what they’d like to say to their loved ones, maybe in a letter to share after they die.

 

We also talked about the impact on friends and family of the way someone confronts a terminal diagnosis – the joy of having a brother who was very open about his diagnosis and happy to talk about it compared to a father who shut down and became silent and curmudgeonly leaving sour memories for his grandchildren.

 

The challenges of clearing someone’s house after their death were discussed and the pleasure in repurposing an item of sentimental importance to integrate it into one’s daily life.

 

Attendees felt mostly ill prepared although one woman had cleared out her house after the death of her husband and was looking forward to a new chapter of life living with her daughter who also attended.

 

In the third group there was a lot of grief and a lot of personal stories - they covered cremation vs burial vs natural burial and the question of where and how to ‘sprinkle’ ashes. They also discussed the language of death and the role of a doula which was very interesting.

 

Feedback included: 

Excellent Trevor facilitated us well. A really lovely and important experience. I could have enjoyed a longer session. Excellent – I think it is good to feel comfortable discussing a taboo subject. Well run – I didn’t know what to expect – just good to demystify. Ease of exposing one’s feelings and experience about death. Very well managed and facilitated.  Welcoming atmosphere relaxed, easy to talk, my table were great listeners. Very helpful and enlightening – has a few funny aspects too! I don’t think so but it was very good to feel so much commonality with others. Welcome the opportunity to hear what others think. Yes – about death and the variety of approaches. No – feel pretty much the same. Valuable to hear others perspectives and stories. It has shown even more how important it is to talk and open up. This was beautiful, dignified and a great honour to hear stories. I loved the intimate discussion that bonds humans.


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