Multi generational Death Cafe
A write up of Herne Hill Death Cafe
By annkenrick
Report on Death Café in the Carnegie Library, Herne Hill on 15th October 2024
Around twenty people of all ages gathered – all apart from one had not attended a Death Café in the past.
We divided into two groups and the discussion included:
· Different funerals (and living funerals) and how important it was for those present to have one that reflected their life and personality. Remember that the funeral is for those left behind as well as the person who has died
· In an increasingly secular society where do we mourn our dead? – some had parents who had wanted a church funeral even if they were not regular church goers but it felt inappropriate if church was not a regular thing
· The shock of a full catholic funeral for a young person when friends felt it did not reflect him. But afterwards stories were shared in the pub.
· Psychic out of body experience of one person aged 9 seeing and talking to a granny after she had died
· The pain of having two grandparents die on the same day and not being allowed to go to the funerals as a child
· Life is not a test run. Experiencing the death of someone can shift your values and make you think about what you want from life. One of the group had responded by returning to a country to visit relatives after 18 years – this had been important and meaningful
· Children can be very straightforward about death – example of the very sad death of a child and at the wake a young child ran into a room where all were eating and drinking shouting ‘there’s a dead body in the next room’ totally naturally
· Shame and fear around death – shame of someone dying on the loo. Don’t tell anyone
· What to say to someone who has lost a loved one – different for everyone. Some people will say nothing as they don’t want the bereaved to be sad but for one it was extremely difficult at work when people didn’t ask and left her isn a state of anxiety
· Relief on the death of some people needs to be acknowledged
· One of the younger participants felt she was not unusual for someone of her age to think about the death of a loved one at least once a day
· Being told by a parent to cherish memories but not to grieve proved helpful after the parent's death.
Ann Kenrick