Death Cafe

Death Cafe profile for Teddy

Location: United States

https://www.facebook.com/DeathCafeOcala

About Teddy:

I was born in the Netherlands, close to the German border.

Four months before I turned 5, my two year younger sister and I lost our mother unexpectedly as a result of a botched surgery, that should have been quite straight forward.

In the early 1960s not much was known about how children dealt with grief. My dad told us that mommy had died, gone to heaven and a few days later was buried. My sister and I were shielded from going to the viewing, or the funeral. My dad barely knew how to deal with his own emotions, let alone those of inquiring little minds.

All he knew was that he was left with two little kids, who needed a mother. It just so happened, that on the other side of the country, his aunt had a next door neighbor, whose younger sister had just lost her husband. This young woman loved children, but didn't have any of her own. So, both ladies decided to play matchmaker and arranged for my dad and the young widow to meet. They both liked each other and after a few more meetings decided they could make this work.

Five months after my mommy's death we got a new mom. And we moved to Rotterdam, where my dad had been able to find a new job with a company that had several locations throughout the country. He needed to get training at their headquarters and also had to go abroad for six weeks for additional training. We all moved in with our new mom's in-laws for four months. I don't remember a whole lot, but as my sister and I both are very intuitive and later became Social Workers, I can imagine how we picked up on all these adults around us, still working through the grief over the loss of a wife, a husband, son and brother.

A year later, when I was almost 6 and spend two weeks of vacation with my maternal grandparents, I asked my grandmother about my mom. The poor woman was so happy to be able to talk about her daughter. She had to promise my dad and our new mother, not to talk about her daughter with my sister and me. So, my grandmother and me promised each other that it would be our secret. For the next 10 years two weeks during the summer vacation every afternoon Oma and I would talk. I looked very much like my real mom and we both were all excited if I would do something that my mom did too. Or if I liked something she had liked as well.

I was devestated when my grandmother ended up dying suddenly as well, when I was 16. In fact, I was furious! I had 8 grandparents and the only one I could talk about my mom with, died. When we got the news, my first reaction was "I am going to the funeral!!" Nobody was going to keep me away this time!

Losing the two people I had loved the most like that, at such an early age, has made me very aware of death and the possibility of losing the people you love, in the blink of an eye. In 1985 I wrote my thesis on Death and Dying for my BA in Social Work. But never did work as such in a health care setting, or anything else related to death.

I lost my husband fairly young too. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and his doctor told him he could start chemo treatment the next day. But he warned him, that the treatment would not cure him. At best it could add a few months to his life. My husband loved eating and when he heard that chemo often affects someones appetite, he decided that he valued his quality of life more than staying alive for maybe a few extra months, but not being able to enjoy that extra time.

He lived for another thirteen months after his diagnosis and was in Hospice care at home, for the last five months. He had time to spend with his friends and family. Was able to tell people how much he loved them. And enjoyed a big steak and potatoes dinner only two days before he died a very peaceful death at home, with the wonderful care of Hospice of Marion county.

Our dog and I were by his side and one of our cats was sleeping in his lap. As I told him "I love you", just before he stopped breathing, I saw him word his usual "I love you too". There was so much tenderness, love and peace.

What brings you to Death Cafe?

During the first five years after my husband's passing, I joint the bereavement support group of Hospice and volunteered with them as well.

During that time, I realized, that my husbands way of dealing with his cancer, was very different from the way the majority of people with stage 4 cancer deal with it. The choices he made early on; to enjoy the time he had left, instead of undergoing all kinds of treatments. And the way he was able to openly talk about it, were not as usual as I thought.

He and I had talked about my childhood experiences with death. And I had told him that throughout highschool (age 15-18) I had worked part-time as an aid in several nursing homes. Where I saw things I didn't agree with.

It was the early seventies and I had to help a 95-yr. old patient eat. He had to, even though he was of sound mind and was begging me not to make him eat. I had asked the head nurse what to do and told her that I didn't think it was right to force an adult to eat if he said he didn't want to. She agreed, she felt bad about it too. But those were the rules set by management.

Another nursing home had a system where the sicker a patient became, the closer they were moved into a room by the elevator. And I knew lots of patients were very much aware of what that meant. I was sure they would want to talk about how they felt about that. But, I was there just to go around with coffee, tea, refreshments and meals. And the head nurse there was not very kind, so I didn't ask any questions.

I realized I would be too critical to become a nurse. But through the years I did follow the discussions in the media about patients' rights and about end-of-life choices. And since the 1970's there were many discussions about these subjects in the Netherlands. Now, 15 years after the law changed, so that doctors were able, under very strict guidelines, to help a patient, who wanted to die and met the strict guidelines for voluntary euthanasia and doctor assisted dying, that discussion is still very much alive in the Netherlands. Over 90% of the population is in favor of the legal changes, that make doctors assisted dying possible. But society as a whole and the medical field especially, is still very carefully exploring where the limits lie. I still follow these debates and discussions with great interest.

My husband and I talked about these things whenever it would come up. We would also talk about what we would want. And I think that, because we had discussed all kinds of aspects about death and dying in such a natural way. It did help him to make his decissions so fast after his diagnosis. We both were prepared for what was coming, which in a way did make it a little easier.

Later I heard from so many others what their loved ones had endured. How they were all so unprepared and how they wished they had known so much more before ending up in such a life changing crisis.

In October of 2013, I was browsing the web looking for subjects on death and dying, when I found Death Cafe and immediately loved it's concept. I could finally see a way to bring my fixation with death to good use!

The following month we had our first Death Cafe of Ocala meeting and have had one almost every month since. We usually have a small group of people coming, which provides for a more relaxed atmosphere in which people can share their experiences, thoughts and feelings on death, dying, losing a loved one, etc.

Hosting this group is very rewarding! Surprisingly, it is also a lot of fun and we laugh a lot. I look forward to our monthly meetings every time.

What would you like your legacy to be?

I would hope, that the people we reach through Death Cafe, will become more aware of how much more intense we will live our life, once we know that it will end. We will love deeper, and will purposely create lasting memories to treasure for ever.

Thoughts for sharing:

I think it is very important to be able to discuss such an important subject as death and dying. Something we will all have to go through at one time or another.

I think it helps if you can talk about it, get more familiar with it. Know that there is such a thing as a "Good Death" I saw it when my husband died.

And I wish that for everyone. I believe we can all increase our chances of a good death, by preparing ourselves as much as we can.

I also believe, that we appreciate our life and our loved ones so much more, when we realize that it will end at some point. It is like we live more aware and so want to hold onto special moments. Print them in our memory, to remember and look back on later.

Contact Teddy

Teddy's posts on the Death Cafe website

Death Cafe: Death Cafe of Ocala

Posted by Teddy on Jan. 19, 2017, 7:16 a.m.

With Teddy and Marianne

Feb. 7, 2017, 1.00 p.m. - 2.30 p.m. (Est)

A voluntary donation to cover the costs of electricity used during the meeting

We feel it's very important to break the taboo around death and dying in our society.

People who have learned to become comfortable thinking and talking about death and ...

Death Cafe profile for Teddy

Teddy's posts on the Death Cafe website

Death Cafe: Death Cafe of Ocala

Death Cafe write up: Death Cafe Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe Ocala

Death Cafe write up: Death Cafe of Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe Ocala

Death Cafe write up: Death Cafe Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe Ocala

Press: Death Cafe: frank talk about the end of life

Death Cafe: Death Cafe of Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe of Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe of Ocala

Press: 1. Death Cafes give people a safe place to discuss end of life decisions

Death Cafe write up: Death Cafe of Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe of Ocala

Death Cafe write up: Death Cafe of Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe of Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe of Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe of Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe of Ocala's 4th meeting

Death Cafe: Death Cafe of Ocala's 3rd meeting

Death Cafe write up: Death Cafe of Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe of Ocala

Death Cafe write up: Death Cafe of Ocala

Death Cafe: Death Cafe of Ocala

Contact Teddy