Unmoveable...
Posted by
Lee
The subject of suicide is one of the most difficult and thorny aspects of death and dying. I have lost both family and friends to it in the past and I periodically struggle with depression and feelings surrounding suicide. I hope I remain strong enough to never be defeated by it - but I thought it was important to give voice to its reality in my life (and by extention your lives too) so here is something I felt compelled to share during a tough cycle. Suicide. The word popped into my mind as I stood in darkness pissing, head pressed against the sloping wall of my downstairs toilet. Suicide. Immediately the word was surrounded, contained, conceptual guns aimed and ethical floodlights brought to bear. “Not again Lee, please! Aren’t you tired of this yet? We’ve been here before soooo many times now...It’s pointless and unhelpful” I agree. “How selfish can you get? What about those left behind? People who love you?” Yes. “You’re supposed to be a buddhist for Christ’s sake! Precious human existence and all that! Wise up!” I guess so. I finish pissing and pull the chain. Suicide. There it is again. Resolute. Like a standing stone on Salisbury Plain. Unmoveable.
Comments
Why
What a beautiful, powerful and moving prose above . Someone once said that "suicide leaves more victims than it takes", and Lee, having experienced this as one of those left behind, now struggles with the same thoughts. No easy answers and a lonely place to be. Suicide also leaves more questions than answers.
Posted by Kerrie
48 on the 50=worst Depression Scale
It's been said that the question of suicide is the ONLY question worthy of true Philosophy. (Sartre? Camus? ?) My evaluation- only (NO treatment, NOTHING works or can work on my kinda genes) shrink has told me he is familiar with my fellow "cohort of patients" & that my personal odds are well over 35% that I will go out by my own hand. I scored a 48 on the 50-is-worst Depression Scale. He judged that I could take that news. I already knew- 3 of my first cousins (1 female) have already eaten their guns in their 30-40s, we all have the same surname, and my father has survived by "treating" himself with HEAVY booze thru ages 20-70 years. I just used The Herb, and am in MUCH better shape. I also DELIBERATELY keep a .45 by my bedside in case it gets too bad. I can't hold a job anymore because 1 out of every 10 days I can;t even get outta bed, it's so bad. The Day is my enemy. My birth-fam couldn't be more "dysfunctional" & I never married until age 43, and kids are out of the question for us. I'm now 60, & if I lost my wife (almost did last year, uterine cancer now fixed by hysterectomy) I KNOW I would give our dogs away to my few friends & do it. Outside, so my paid-off little house wouldn't burden others so badly, and pass to my dear wife, then my niece that I love dearly. How do I get along? After 3 nervous breakdowns in my professional practice, I de-stressed, retired early, and withdrew to a life of study & learning - my first loves that never desert one. Plus trying to do others as much good as I can. Religion offers little comfort, only another reason to look for the nonexistent Way Out. All I can say is to stay with people that care about you, (being a househusband to my dear wife has definitely saved my life, I KNOW), try to retain your self-worth OK (you ARE valuable to humanity, or have been), and realize that if God handed me an envelope with the certain date of my death in it, i still wouldn't open it. There's always Hope, right? And I remain curious about what will happen next to the human race- all the good, the bad, the hateful. We're just a skin disease on a speck of dirt, cosmically- and now we know that just about EVERY star out there DOES have a Planetary System. WHEN you rejoin the Cosmic Dust is really a minor question- we ALL MUST. I can only ask you to stick around, friend, and NOT murder yourself. Find something or someone to love and a Companion. Humans are social animals, and the ones you find living solo are either monks, sick, or just ... unfortunate. Thaink about how FANTASTICALLY lucky you have been to even have been born as your own unique self and have the mean$ & background to afford a 'puter to be on the Net. 2/3 of humanity doesn't. The less extra $ and "obligations"/ possessions I have, the better I feel. It's the relatively wealthy that pull that trigger, never Jose the janitor w/ 8 kids and a $200/ mo. income. My Filipina wife was raised on not much more than rice & salt, didn't have any shoes other than rubber beach sandals until she was 10, and considers my talks warning her of my odds of suicide 100% DUMB & crazy.
Still, my now-1 decade-dry Dad & I have a pact: When it gets so bad they have to hospitalize us, or we get The Diagnosis and all-day morphine doesn't work any more- I'll smuggle his .38 in for him- and vice versa. I'd do it for an agony-suffering dog- why not my Dad?
See ya tomorrow on HERE! We Hope. This is the only Support Group I'd even CONSIDER! Good luck!
Posted by DepressionMan!