Death never comes when it needs to

Posted by Monkiki62

Alot of people have misconceptions about death until you are in a position where you need it. Right now im in a conflicting area of "I don't want to die, I want to live. But I need to die". I say I need to die because my life truly isn't worth living. Im someone who was injured all over my body (internally) so badly I almost did die and I have no idea why I didn't. The pain is soul crushing, it consumes my heart and body. The worst part is, the medical field never helped me. I went into shock on my couch because the hospital released me after a misdiagnosis. I have such a deep rooted hatred for the medical field, if you aren't actually dying at that moment they will do nothing to help you except offer up theories and speculation, maybe toss you some pain pills that don't even begin to manage it. I get injuries just walking to my kitchen. While they are taking their sweet time trying to find out "whats wrong" im getting worse. I feel death accidentally left me behind. I don't want to die because i love my family so much, but i need to because i have no quality of life. I cannot feel happiness, i cannot smile, cannot be intimate physically or even go to the bathroom on my own. How bad will death let me get before she shows her welcomed face? Normal healthy people fear death. I do not. Death is a bittersweet release from the pain and suffering of this world. I say bittersweet because of all the precious things and people you have to leave behind. I believe in reuniting in the afterlife, that if a human bond is strong enough their souls can find each other again. So I dont believe that we will never see each other again. I also unfortunately become envious when I see couples laughing, running, spending time with their children because it is something I want but will never have. Alot of people say death is selfish, cruel, and unfair. To people like me death is beautiful, freeing, and a new start. Right now she shows me no pity, but still, I wait for her to come. Please try to have more understanding for those of us who seek death. Sometimes its the only thing that can set a suffering person free. Love them enough to let them go and don't ask them to stay because you can't imagine life without them.