Self hatred and depression

Posted by Kitty



Hello, i am 16 and I've been wanting to talk about suicide for a long time. I fear that if i do i will be ridiculed by others. I don't know where to start. I used to workout to become more likeable. It did help become me more likeable, but all everyone saw me for my body only. What devours me is not being able to tell my family how i feel. I am the black sheep in my family, my 5 siblings and parents are the perfect suburban family. I often cry alone without having anyone to go to. My siblings have a distaste for me. I struggle in school and my parents often label me as the problem child for it. Nobody in my family has ever been suicidal. They see my self harm as attention seeking. I have chronic anxiety and depression, adhd, odd, and ptsd. I take 7 pills a day to regulate my feelings. However in the words of John Green "Thats the thing about pain. It demands to be felt."

Not a day goes by where i feel happy, or even content with my life. It feels like it's all my fault. What bothers me is i know if i committed suicide nobody would be significantly effected other then my household family. I don't have a purpose in this world. I have no reason to be here. Yet i don't have the courage to kill myself. Instead it builds up even more frustration. I have become extremely antisocial during covid. At school it is the worst. I have a few peers i am familiar with but nothing more. I don't eat lunch in the lunch room because of a specific group of people. They have been a big part of my self hatred. To this day whenever i see them during passing time it simply reminds me of the pain. 

I think I'm just trying to justify suicide so if i go i won't regret it. Nothing has ever gotten better for me. When i was 8 my mom was diagnosed with terminal acute myeloid leukemia. She passed when i was 9. My dad turned to alcohol to solve his problems. My dads drinking is what left me with chronic anxiety and depression, ptsd, and odd. My self hate started in 7th grade. I started cutting in 7th grade. I was often a target of bullying especially because i had come out as bisexual. In 8th grade and 9th grade i started attempting suicide. During the summer of my 10th grade year (2020) i felt better about myself. I started to love myself. That all changed in a matter of hour. I had bought myself a skirt, feeling confident in who i am and what kind of person i wanted to be. I posted a picture of myself in the skirt. That's where things took a turn. My older sister had been at a sleepover with friends that night. One of her friends had saw the picture i posted and she showed it to the girls at the sleepover. It started an argument between the girls about sexism.

My sister had told my parents the next day what happened. She didn't hate me for it or anything i hope. My parents were furious with me. They took away my phone for a long time. I had no idea why and they explained why. They said you reflect on this whole family when you post stuff on social media. He said i can't wear skirts and such because my siblings friends might comment on it or bother them about it. I was absolutely broken. My family disliked me even more for wearing feminine clothing. They wouldn't listen to anything i said. They didn't care that it was what made me feel whole and happy. Which lead to a relapse in self harm and suicide attempts. I hate myself more then i hate everyone in the world combined. All i have longed for now is a companion. A partner, someone i can share my issues with. Someone i can rely on, but it looks like it's not in the cards for me. I do not know what the future will hold for me. Sometimes i fear death, other times i welcome it. As time is passing the void inside myself has only grown bigger. Recently i have been fighting anorexia. It is a replacement to my cutting. I don't know what to do anymore, i am so lost.



Comments


Hang on in there

Dear Kitty, reading your story touched me and I'm so sorry that you're having to cope with such distressing things in your life at the moment.
But please don't give up on life. It may not seem like it right now, but you do have lots to live for, and you've certainly no reason to hate yourself - other people or society maybe for making you feel that you can't be your true self, but don't hate yourself! And try not to vent your frustrations by cutting or other things that harm you physically and mentally.
Things WILL get better, really they will, especially as you get older and get more control over your own life. When you get a job or maybe go on to college you will meet other like-minded people. They are out there, really, it's a wide world and there's a place in it for everyone. And right now it's crying out for more sensitive people like you! In the meantime try to get support from somewhere like itgetsbetter.org mentioned above. If you'd like to talk to someone, there's a list of warmlines in various states in the USA here: https://screening.mhanational.org/content/need-talk-someone-warmlines/
Another thing I wholeheartedly recommend to help you deal with negative thoughts is what's known as 'mindfulness'. When I was diagnosed with depression I got some treatment, but it was a mindfulness course that really put me on the road to recovery and helped me stay well because I learned how to take a step back from all the negative thoughts swirling round my head all the time and see that they weren't necessarily true and that I didn't need to act on them. It helped me learn to manage my feelings better - most of the time at least - and put me back in control, even though I never really got the hang of meditation ;-). There are lots of resources online but to start with I'd ask a school counselor or your doctor if there are any local programs near you.
And finally, if you ever do get to the stage where you're seriously contemplating killing yourself, please please please call the Samaritans first on 1-800-273-TALK. But it won't come to that will it cos you're going to find someone to talk to and get the help you need first. Good luck & big hugs.


Posted by Kay


How are you doing?

Hi Kitty, how are you doing? I read your entire post, and I'm reaching out to tell you that you're not the only one feeling like this. It took a lot of courage to buy a skirt- good for you for having the courage to wear what makes you feel like you. I'm glad you were able to figure out one thing that made you feel good. I'm so sorry your family isn't being supportive of you. That must make you feel so alone.

Have you heard about an organization called It Gets Better? The people running it have been through exactly what you're going through with your family, and with the people at your school. Please take a look at the website, and reach out to them if you think they'd be a good fit for finding someone to talk to. There are people you age, and also grownups, who know what it means to buy a skirt like you did.

Take care. You're valuable and worthwhile, and I know how good you are inside. You just need to find the right people who will be able to see that as well.
Here's the link- https://itgetsbetter.org/


Posted by Tiffany


diagnosis

Hi, you seem to have gone through quite the rough times, and haven't yet been able to escape them.

Your situation sounds awefully similar to what I went through griwing up. I strongly recommend getting off all of your meds, in the safest manner possible (titrate, and avoid abruptly ceasing as it could be dangerous to mind and body).

Getting back to exercise will certainly help, especially while getting off meds and maitaining sobriety (a drug is a drug). Also some stretching, meditation, yoga, and especially a good diet and sleep schedule will prove invaluable. Give it time, it's work, but pays off.

Also try to go for walks, in nature preferably, and try to avoid crowds, traffic, etc, ... as they inhibt any connection with nature, and therefore stress-relieving benefits.

Most importantly, try to get an accurate diagnosis from your doctor (ie borderline, social anxiety, ...). There are many great sites that have numerous articles by leading field professionals for a multitude of disorders (psychologytoday, healthline, mayoclinic, psychcentral, psychiatrictimes, psychalive, ..., medium and huffpost are great too).

I'd suggest staying strong and minimizing conflict since life already provides enough stress. Any job dealing with customers is also a great way to get more comfortable with people, provided that you are willing to show them professional courtesy and patience (youtube gcn, or "global cycle network", and try to speak with the same flow and thoughtfullness as those English chapps, it has a profound effect).

Well hope things get better.


Posted by trancend


I really do understand you

Please join the meetup group I started https://www.meetup.com/assisted-suicide-for-mental-suffering/


Posted by Kristy Martin


I'm so sorry you're going through this. It will get better but the problem with depression is that it lies to you. Don't believe everything you think. Sending hugs


Posted by Pixie


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