Self hatred and depression

Posted by Kitty

Hello, i am 16 and I've been wanting to talk about suicide for a long time. I fear that if i do i will be ridiculed by others. I don't know where to start. I used to workout to become more likeable. It did help become me more likeable, but all everyone saw me for my body only. What devours me is not being able to tell my family how i feel. I am the black sheep in my family, my 5 siblings and parents are the perfect suburban family. I often cry alone without having anyone to go to. My siblings have a distaste for me. I struggle in school and my parents often label me as the problem child for it. Nobody in my family has ever been suicidal. They see my self harm as attention seeking. I have chronic anxiety and depression, adhd, odd, and ptsd. I take 7 pills a day to regulate my feelings. However in the words of John Green "Thats the thing about pain. It demands to be felt."

Not a day goes by where i feel happy, or even content with my life. It feels like it's all my fault. What bothers me is i know if i committed suicide nobody would be significantly effected other then my household family. I don't have a purpose in this world. I have no reason to be here. Yet i don't have the courage to kill myself. Instead it builds up even more frustration. I have become extremely antisocial during covid. At school it is the worst. I have a few peers i am familiar with but nothing more. I don't eat lunch in the lunch room because of a specific group of people. They have been a big part of my self hatred. To this day whenever i see them during passing time it simply reminds me of the pain. 

I think I'm just trying to justify suicide so if i go i won't regret it. Nothing has ever gotten better for me. When i was 8 my mom was diagnosed with terminal acute myeloid leukemia. She passed when i was 9. My dad turned to alcohol to solve his problems. My dads drinking is what left me with chronic anxiety and depression, ptsd, and odd. My self hate started in 7th grade. I started cutting in 7th grade. I was often a target of bullying especially because i had come out as bisexual. In 8th grade and 9th grade i started attempting suicide. During the summer of my 10th grade year (2020) i felt better about myself. I started to love myself. That all changed in a matter of hour. I had bought myself a skirt, feeling confident in who i am and what kind of person i wanted to be. I posted a picture of myself in the skirt. That's where things took a turn. My older sister had been at a sleepover with friends that night. One of her friends had saw the picture i posted and she showed it to the girls at the sleepover. It started an argument between the girls about sexism.

My sister had told my parents the next day what happened. She didn't hate me for it or anything i hope. My parents were furious with me. They took away my phone for a long time. I had no idea why and they explained why. They said you reflect on this whole family when you post stuff on social media. He said i can't wear skirts and such because my siblings friends might comment on it or bother them about it. I was absolutely broken. My family disliked me even more for wearing feminine clothing. They wouldn't listen to anything i said. They didn't care that it was what made me feel whole and happy. Which lead to a relapse in self harm and suicide attempts. I hate myself more then i hate everyone in the world combined. All i have longed for now is a companion. A partner, someone i can share my issues with. Someone i can rely on, but it looks like it's not in the cards for me. I do not know what the future will hold for me. Sometimes i fear death, other times i welcome it. As time is passing the void inside myself has only grown bigger. Recently i have been fighting anorexia. It is a replacement to my cutting. I don't know what to do anymore, i am so lost.


I really do understand you

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Posted by Kristy Martin

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