Waiting to die for a long time

Posted by helpplease



As the years have rolled on by, Life has got tougher. The fight that was once there has faded, It abruptly disappeared a few years ago, surfaced recently and is fading once more. 

I have tried to kill myself before and want to die but want to die through the use of nembutal or any other "peaceful" means. 

This has been with me from such a young age and I am just tired of life in general. Tired of memories and small triggers to past thoughts, Thats what gets me down and thinking how much better it would be if I could sleep and never wake up, Never open my eyes again and feel anything.

If I could erase my entire memory, what memories would I want to keep if I had a choice? 

Thats a easy one for me, Erase everything. Friends, family , events etc but leave the lessons I learnt in place. The lessons on peoples behaviors and the way money has taken over every aspect of a persons life and defines how people act towards you. 

Dont make my mistake to stop making money intentionally to see whose there for you, You may end up without anything and without anyone like I did. 

Anyway death, Yeah Ive been looking for death for years. Before anyone thinks this person needs to see someone, I have been in therapy for years. It has helped cope and pull me through the years but deep down inside something is unsettled, something is wiggling in the pit of my stomach and it makes me feel sick everyday.



Comments


Its clear u have a death wish. That my friend, is a very selfish way of looking at life!
Its all, “me, me, me”. Instead it should b: “how can I help others” reach their potential /goal.

With ur lifetime of experience an yes, memories (which u would rather forget). You could help some many people. So, yes its selfish to live just for urself (no wonder ur disappointed with everything).

Now stop being a wuss, an start helping others grown to their full maturity.
Its never too late.
Now's the time!

Go for it..


Posted by Parcel


I would love to be a person to you that just wants to be there for you and show you people can be nice and don't want anything from you. Makes me so said to read that.


Posted by Ime


I'm sorry that the other two comments responded so negatively.

Thank you for sharing your story and feelings it was brave of you. Just like the bravery you show everyday by waking up and making it through another day.


Posted by Soya


That first comment by Parcel was really smug and (ironically) self-centred. To say that despair to the point of suicide in a person is merely being “me me me” shows that the commentator is both ignorant and shallow. He/she is clearly incapable of acting on his/her own advice: helping other people instead of being dismissive and condescending.


Posted by Peter


I think it is selfish for ppl to say those that want to suicide are themselves selfish. I myself find myself in so much pain mentally that death will be a release. How others can want me to continue to suffer is selfish. What has been perpertrated on me by others has been horrendous. The world is full of evil, selfish, judgemental ppl. If there is something better out there, I’d rather be there, if theres not....then I’m no worse off. Better than living in this corrupt hellhole we call earth !


Posted by Anonymous


Ms

I understand how you feel. I've been down that road myself. I won't tell you it will get better, cos it probably won't.
On the bright side, atleast we are not afraid of death, only of the pain of dying.
We are essentially waiting to die.and so we wait.
Just wanted you to know you are not alone.


Posted by Melissa


I’m with you. I snicker at parcel who thinks they know by some infinite wisdom how to “help” people. Who even knows what that means to them and if it really helps anyone. After all, we all are born, we all think we are special and the world revolves around us, then we die trying to sit with that. No shame in being ready before others. No prize for being last out of the pool after all.


Posted by Brian


And here I sit, waiting for things to end.


Posted by Neil


Yes, You have a right to die - We all do! The antagonisms raised by others are like a clumsy burden that they wish desperately and meanly for you to carry. Their small minded, truncated wisdom, their orthodoxies and their “tough-love” are all meant as an attack. An attack against their own fears and darkness which You embody in your chronic wish to die. I suffer similarly on the spectrum from light to dark. It is a difficult road. And ultimately one travelled alone. We cannot always expect others to understand or to support us or to carry us when our very will has collapsed. I do however believe in and recommend self-Compassion. The kind of Love that sees but does not judge. The kind of Love that understands that humans are grown and not made. We are not akin to our manufactured and homogenous world. In all of our very organic feeling and physicality, suffering exists! And sometimes One’s suffering is totally unknowable to others! Knowing that this may be My life’s work and as invisible as suffering can be, I am the One who is here carrying it! Perhaps I am learning to let it pass through me because I falsely imagine it is mine to bear. Embodying something does not make it mine and We attribute ownership for all the most incarnate of reasons. I know I can let go of suffering. I can take my hands off the wheel of it. I can refuse it’s overarching claim of me. I can carve other trails. I can breathe deeply in the face of it, no longer fearing its presence and even not even caring that it is there. Knowing — That I AM the bigger force, having sustained its force all of these years. Knowing I no longer am willing to fight it, I can recover my energy. I can call every severed piece of Me Home.
(love)


Posted by Miss Mavis Extra Fancy


the long wait

I thought I might find some common ground here. Maybe not. I surely get waiting to die, I've been waiting for years. Lazy, unmotivated, procrastination efficient, I am a waste. I had made a promise to myself decades ago to not commit an overt act. I then invented my own Suicide by neglect protocol. Highly inefficient. Kids are not a reason to live, only to not be obvious. My lack of Invention is definitely a hindrance.


Posted by Natasha


Speak your truth

I am grateful that you have spoken your truth. I have the opposite problem. I have memory issues and can’t remember enough to get upset about it. Not like dementia, I cannot remember much of my past at all. I was in a car accident when I was 6, this may be why I am good at forgiving, because I am good at forgetting. But I also welcome death. I feel it promises bigger and better things. Fear of death confuses me. Death reveals many tings we try to hide. The comments show this.


Posted by Suzette


Death

I’ve been in a circle for years I think 8 I lost my girlfriend and she was my everything she made laugh smile and everysingle part of me loved her but it got torn away from no fault of my own and I didn’t understand why because oh we were so good together laughing loving life in the moment and gradually I though got into different relationships and I was thought that it was mirroring of her love too others I grew strong with friends and they continued too judge me for giving my upmost all too them and I fell into work and I always gave my best advice and help to others whilst they needed help or advice though I have a shadow of death that has followed me ever since with everyday feeling like a shadow now I just want too go too sleep


Posted by Nathan


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