Waiting to die for a long time
Posted by helpplease
As the years have rolled on by, Life has got tougher. The fight that was once there has faded, It abruptly disappeared a few years ago, surfaced recently and is fading once more. I have tried to kill myself before and want to die but want to die through the use of nembutal or any other "peaceful" means. This has been with me from such a young age and I am just tired of life in general. Tired of memories and small triggers to past thoughts, Thats what gets me down and thinking how much better it would be if I could sleep and never wake up, Never open my eyes again and feel anything. If I could erase my entire memory, what memories would I want to keep if I had a choice? Thats a easy one for me, Erase everything. Friends, family , events etc but leave the lessons I learnt in place. The lessons on peoples behaviors and the way money has taken over every aspect of a persons life and defines how people act towards you. Dont make my mistake to stop making money intentionally to see whose there for you, You may end up without anything and without anyone like I did. Anyway death, Yeah Ive been looking for death for years. Before anyone thinks this person needs to see someone, I have been in therapy for years. It has helped cope and pull me through the years but deep down inside something is unsettled, something is wiggling in the pit of my stomach and it makes me feel sick everyday.
As the years have rolled on by, Life has got tougher. The fight that was once there has faded, It abruptly disappeared a few years ago, surfaced recently and is fading once more.
I have tried to kill myself before and want to die but want to die through the use of nembutal or any other "peaceful" means.
This has been with me from such a young age and I am just tired of life in general. Tired of memories and small triggers to past thoughts, Thats what gets me down and thinking how much better it would be if I could sleep and never wake up, Never open my eyes again and feel anything.
If I could erase my entire memory, what memories would I want to keep if I had a choice?
Thats a easy one for me, Erase everything. Friends, family , events etc but leave the lessons I learnt in place. The lessons on peoples behaviors and the way money has taken over every aspect of a persons life and defines how people act towards you.
Dont make my mistake to stop making money intentionally to see whose there for you, You may end up without anything and without anyone like I did.
Anyway death, Yeah Ive been looking for death for years. Before anyone thinks this person needs to see someone, I have been in therapy for years. It has helped cope and pull me through the years but deep down inside something is unsettled, something is wiggling in the pit of my stomach and it makes me feel sick everyday.
Its clear u have a death wish. That my friend, is a very selfish way of looking at life!
Its all, “me, me, me”. Instead it should b: “how can I help others” reach their potential /goal.
With ur lifetime of experience an yes, memories (which u would rather forget). You could help some many people. So, yes its selfish to live just for urself (no wonder ur disappointed with everything).
Now stop being a wuss, an start helping others grown to their full maturity.
Its never too late.
Now's the time!
Go for it..
Posted by Parcel
I would love to be a person to you that just wants to be there for you and show you people can be nice and don't want anything from you. Makes me so said to read that.
Posted by Ime
I'm sorry that the other two comments responded so negatively.
Thank you for sharing your story and feelings it was brave of you. Just like the bravery you show everyday by waking up and making it through another day.
Posted by Soya
That first comment by Parcel was really smug and (ironically) self-centred. To say that despair to the point of suicide in a person is merely being “me me me” shows that the commentator is both ignorant and shallow. He/she is clearly incapable of acting on his/her own advice: helping other people instead of being dismissive and condescending.
Posted by Peter
I think it is selfish for ppl to say those that want to suicide are themselves selfish. I myself find myself in so much pain mentally that death will be a release. How others can want me to continue to suffer is selfish. What has been perpertrated on me by others has been horrendous. The world is full of evil, selfish, judgemental ppl. If there is something better out there, I’d rather be there, if theres not....then I’m no worse off. Better than living in this corrupt hellhole we call earth !
Posted by Anonymous
I understand how you feel. I've been down that road myself. I won't tell you it will get better, cos it probably won't.
On the bright side, atleast we are not afraid of death, only of the pain of dying.
We are essentially waiting to die.and so we wait.
Just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Posted by Melissa
I’m with you. I snicker at parcel who thinks they know by some infinite wisdom how to “help” people. Who even knows what that means to them and if it really helps anyone. After all, we all are born, we all think we are special and the world revolves around us, then we die trying to sit with that. No shame in being ready before others. No prize for being last out of the pool after all.
Posted by Brian
And here I sit, waiting for things to end.
Posted by Neil
Yes, You have a right to die - We all do! The antagonisms raised by others are like a clumsy burden that they wish desperately and meanly for you to carry. Their small minded, truncated wisdom, their orthodoxies and their “tough-love” are all meant as an attack. An attack against their own fears and darkness which You embody in your chronic wish to die. I suffer similarly on the spectrum from light to dark. It is a difficult road. And ultimately one travelled alone. We cannot always expect others to understand or to support us or to carry us when our very will has collapsed. I do however believe in and recommend self-Compassion. The kind of Love that sees but does not judge. The kind of Love that understands that humans are grown and not made. We are not akin to our manufactured and homogenous world. In all of our very organic feeling and physicality, suffering exists! And sometimes One’s suffering is totally unknowable to others! Knowing that this may be My life’s work and as invisible as suffering can be, I am the One who is here carrying it! Perhaps I am learning to let it pass through me because I falsely imagine it is mine to bear. Embodying something does not make it mine and We attribute ownership for all the most incarnate of reasons. I know I can let go of suffering. I can take my hands off the wheel of it. I can refuse it’s overarching claim of me. I can carve other trails. I can breathe deeply in the face of it, no longer fearing its presence and even not even caring that it is there. Knowing — That I AM the bigger force, having sustained its force all of these years. Knowing I no longer am willing to fight it, I can recover my energy. I can call every severed piece of Me Home.
Posted by Miss Mavis Extra Fancy
the long wait
I thought I might find some common ground here. Maybe not. I surely get waiting to die, I've been waiting for years. Lazy, unmotivated, procrastination efficient, I am a waste. I had made a promise to myself decades ago to not commit an overt act. I then invented my own Suicide by neglect protocol. Highly inefficient. Kids are not a reason to live, only to not be obvious. My lack of Invention is definitely a hindrance.
Posted by Natasha
Speak your truth
I am grateful that you have spoken your truth. I have the opposite problem. I have memory issues and can’t remember enough to get upset about it. Not like dementia, I cannot remember much of my past at all. I was in a car accident when I was 6, this may be why I am good at forgiving, because I am good at forgetting. But I also welcome death. I feel it promises bigger and better things. Fear of death confuses me. Death reveals many tings we try to hide. The comments show this.
Posted by Suzette
I’ve been in a circle for years I think 8 I lost my girlfriend and she was my everything she made laugh smile and everysingle part of me loved her but it got torn away from no fault of my own and I didn’t understand why because oh we were so good together laughing loving life in the moment and gradually I though got into different relationships and I was thought that it was mirroring of her love too others I grew strong with friends and they continued too judge me for giving my upmost all too them and I fell into work and I always gave my best advice and help to others whilst they needed help or advice though I have a shadow of death that has followed me ever since with everyday feeling like a shadow now I just want too go too sleep
Posted by Nathan
The world is a pandemic of mental illness
Here in Canada assisted death is legal (M.A.I.D.). You have to prove to your Doctor that your life is not worth living. No one can ever possibly know the depth of pain an individual is feeling when they know there is no hope. Generally the guidelines are written for terminal people.
People say your selfish but not one individual who commented here offered you hope. It is possible that there is no other way but ending the suffering of slowly dying inside.
Suicide is only selfish for the people who wouldn't or couldn't help you when you needed it when you are live.
For some people, life is predetermined by genetic makeup. Not every person is going to live a worthwhile life.
People offer useless advise when what you need is empathy and love and when all is said and done only you can decide if you are capable of overcoming your hopelessness.
I know from my own life long battle with mental illness I do not have the physical and mental strength to do the homework to change myself within the years I have left to turn my surviving skills off and just live.
If you DO NOT have a loving and caring support system to help you recover, the loneliness grows exponentially. Without a single family member or friend to help mentally ill people through the difficult battle, does someone really want to recover knowing that what you need will never, ever be there for you?
Not all people are equipped to deal with the endless and intensive therapy of cognitive behavioral change to find hope once again. Yes, some people are really damaged inside.
Society is too selfish to accept any responsibility for our brothers and sisters who are disadvantaged from the day they are born.
Mark my words . . . The future is grim. Until mental illness is treated like a pandemic around the world, there will be ignorance and judgment from the real selfish people.
Posted by ConnieK
I get you
Hi. I do not know if you'll receive this, read it, or if anyone else would. But I get you. I ended up here because I searched the internet for "I want to die".
we've been told that there is so much more to life... that every day is a new day with a chance to make things better. I can never attest to that - or at least still haven't.
But what keeps me going is the thought that even though I did not want to be born at all, I am already here. We already exist. and what better way is there to die than to know you have had a wonderful life that YOU made.
So do whatever makes YOU happy. Eat the last chocolate. buy that clothing wear. walk til your feet get sore. rest as much as you want to.
As long as you do things that do not cause others pain and misery, you're in peace.
Who knows, maybe someday you'll look back at life and say, "damn. I did pretty good".
Posted by Just someone from who knows where :)
What’s the point. Good years (if that’s what you wanna call them) are behind me now. Let’s get this over with already
Posted by Anonymous
I’ve wanted to die for at least 15 years. I’ve also tried to pick myself over and over again only to be crushed again. It’s gotten to the point where it feels too late to try for a different life. Everything follows you. Your resume. Your record. Your social presence. How does someone with mental illness deal with that? Add in loneliness and the lack of emotional support from the people in your life, and it’s a recipe for misery and fear of where your life will end up. You start to feel like that person trapped in a room on fire. I’ve wondered if this life is some version of hell. Who knows.
Posted by Babs
i am in the same situation.. have been for decades..
since my early childhood, my life was such, that i wished i was dead. then i picked myself up, piece by piece, and worked to be someone. i think i worked too hard, and did too well academically, and then professionally, and it did help me get economical statbility in life. but a life that began like that, could not continue well. i went from one abusive relationship to another. sometimes, i think it was my fault, perhaps i made my partner like that. however hard i tried to love others, and make their lives happy and beautiful.. more was i ridiculed. they eitehr left me and went away, or they stayed and tormented me. eventually, i started losing hope. i stopped hopig, but started living, on a day-to-day basis.. now again all the pain has returned. pain of childhood.. abuse by parent, pain from partner.. of not understanding my pain, and of never been happy with whatever i do. i try so hard. in the process, my career too has suffered as i gave all my priority to my family.. but nothing is ever enough. i have had so much enough.. now every day i wish i would sleep, and not need to wake up the next day.. that is how i found your post. i hope the Lord (if He is there) eases your pain. i know, how difficult it might be. i really never wanted anything but "peace" and "love" in my life. now i just want "peace".. still it eludes me. i don;t have the strength to take another step.. i just can't do it anymore. i have lost.. simply lost. and i do not see any other way out than death.. if there was another way out, i would take it gladly.. but i do not have the strength to hurt the people for whom i care.. so the result= pain!! i really want a relief from this pain.. i just dont know how to..
Posted by sd
You v others
Why every comment has to mention other people's influence on your state of mind? Apart from Bab's comment, which seems more reasonable and realistic to me, all the others seem to think that what you do or did to others and what they've done to you are at the root of your disenchantment with life.
You are free to do whatever you want with your life. No one can feel your pain.
Implying that you are selfish and that by helping others you will feel better is preposterous, if not naive.
Wanting to die is not the same as not wanting to live. It's just that all the other alternatives that you consider adequate or acceptable are not available or you don't have the necessary support to achieve them.
I think it takes a lot of courage to commit suicide and I applaud countries like Canada that have assisted death, because that can only come from places where there's also assisted living. Supportive communities probably know when all possible attempts to help a person have been tried.
Dysfunctional families have a lot to answer for suicidal thoughts. It's usually the lack of a healthy upbringing that leads people to think that death is the best way out of an unworthy life. If you haven't been prepared for tough, yet common, situations when you were growing up, you will certainly have trouble ahead. Genetic predisposition accounts for a small percentage of cases and others are drug related.
What can you do, apart from killing yourself? Do whatever you want, like, wish to do that is within your possibilities. If you're tired of living, rest. If you have completely lost the will to live, you have no motivation or perspective for the future, sing, breathe, scream, cry, laugh, observe, meditate, think as much as your brain can cope with until it stops letting intrusive thoughts and feelings take over.
Live your life as if you are an animal, not a human. Animals know how to live, because their instincts are still working properly. Humans are superficial, artificial and cynical. Don't accept that. If you are not fit for living in a diseased human society it's because you're sane.
Posted by Pat
Parcel, irs time you wrapped up. You FOOL.
Posted by VL
Waiting to die
I googled waiting to die thinking there might be some insight out there, but I found this blog with some like minded people that I wish I knew IRL. Nothing gets better forever. It's temporary distractions that keep me here, innovation in health and technology. Im a blip, like an extra in a TV show that gets killed off so beautiful people can survive in their perfect lives. Where do those extra people go? We have to continue with our lives, so that the world has some sort of balance? So that good people can live? I keep thinking God will make this right, that I'm here for a purpose. But why I am here? To make others feel better about themselves? I'm certainly with flaws, too many to list. Why do I suffer through this? Is there an easier way?
Posted by Just me
Hi 'Just me'
Easier way? No. Living isn't easy. It's an endurance test. And beautiful people don't have perfect lives. Far from it. Many can't see what's really important in life, they're blinded by their beauty.
When you have reached the bottom of the hole there's only one way out. Upwards and onwards.
My life is pretty much crap right now. Too complicated too write about it. I have come to the point where nothing really matters, it's the only way I can breathe. I'm autistic and this world wasn't made for people like me. I will keep going until it's time to die. No idea when or how, but that's a comforting thought to some extent.
Wishing you luck!
Posted by Pat
i want to die
I am so glad that I found this site that has people that understand(to some degree) how painful it is to live.To Parcel:F*ck you,you obviously don't know what it's like to be abused,forgotten,or betrayed.I have wanted to die for about 4 1/2 years know & I hate how people say it gets better but it never does.I talked to someone about how I felt & they treated it like it was a phase.How the f*ck is it a phase if I have scars on my wrists from a knife?I support the thought of assisted suicide because honestly I'm too much of a wimp to do it myself.I just want to feel okay again.Guess Ima die tonight,who wants to come with?
Posted by anime is life
I am in the same boat, sick of everything, everyone, food doesnt taste the same,nothing makes me happy an color seems bland. I only wish im never found. I had a friend post on facebook with directions to a location but didnt say where it went to. Later that day he wrote his final post on fb. Felt kinda poetic n my eyes. I bid you farewell an safe travels
Posted by Here we go
I know. I grew up in a dysfunctional family myself, and have had so many troubles because of the traumas from that. Nothing else in this universe has caused me more pain than family. And often I feel like I'm just a cold metal statue looking like a human, but hollow and full of tears nobody will know about.
To Pascal, or so many others who right now are in a place you demonstrated here: I can't judge you. I have been like that myself. I even think it has killed someone. Perhaps I'm too harsh with myself there, but I feel horrible by that, by having been so hard. Please try to calm down, be still. Try to understand that for some of us... it's just too much, okay! How can you be so sure you have even the slightest knowledge about what you are talking about? Please don't do this again. My friend?
When I read this blog, I felt I could breathe. I heard the whispering of the deep knowledge only deep suffering can bring, the beauty of all that we can be, only locked inside, hidden perhaps, behind all those scars and heavy burdens. I feel you. You are me. That's all.
The thing is.. I believe.. that death just isn't real. Look at all the near death experiences from all around the world. Of course most of it is crap, like the millions who claim to have been "abducted" by aliens, or have lived before, or whatever it is people claim. And of course our bodies die and all that, and the "naturalists" or the "atheists" or whatever have very convincing arguments, but I am more and more sure that ... well, there is more.
Oh no, you might think. So I can't escape? Will it never end? What despair. Or... oh no, here we go again.
Yes, of course. Religion. Horrible isn't it. A big part of all that I hate about this world. When I do. But that's all just surface, we know that. If there is a force, or a "Great spirit" or ... just something, behind, before, within... it has to be completely beyond the comprehension of our limited minds.
I have no answers, only pain, but in fact.. also hope. To actually one day be able to be able to think and say and live that opposite of hate, the word I can't even write, not yet. If not before, then after, on the other side.
Posted by Call
You know what’s interesting about a “death wish”, like you so cleverly diagnosed? Well, they can drive people to do crazy things. I can understand one point you almost made, in a stupid way, and that’s the fact that if you really feel like this person does - why the hell wouldn’t you take the Nembutal?
I’m DYING to get my hands on some Nembutal to peacefully exit, feel the reassuring delirium of a calm sleep before signing off... Do you know how hard it is to accept the finality of a gunshot, a knife to the chest or throat, a helium gas rig, etc..?
I have had a tank with the tube and enclosure for months, just can’t do it. Whatever evolutionary mechanism is inside us that pushes us to self-preservation, mine only works when I don’t want it to.
If you want to die and would turn away Nembutal, send it to me. Why wouldn’t you do it? That’s the only thing preventing me from lashing in anger at Parcel. In a roundabout way he has a point.
I’ve been on a downward spiral for five years from benzodiazepine withdrawal, doctors don’t believe anything, situation is absolutely hopeless and I’ve wanted out so badly but I can’t, I feel like a wuss, like Parcel said. But if I had Nembutal I’d be GONE. In a minute.
Nobody here can say anyone is a wuss for not shutting themselves in the throat, or whatever other sort of violent suicide that you can imagine, because in all likelihood they’ve never done it.
Instead of directing hostility and troll-like douchebaggery at someone in pain, maybe redirect that energy towards getting people the rights to end life on their terms so they don’t end up snapping and doing God knows what.
A large portion of these “make an imprint” mass shootings could probably have been prevented by simply offering the availability of a peaceful exit from this life to everyone, educating them in college about the process, etc,
Some may look at this as morbid and unnecessary, I get it. But it’s a show of COMPASSION by society as a whole. A rational, logical approach to feelings many will encounter and ai believe this would, in turn, lead to people taking a more rational, more thoughtful approach to how they handle these feelings when they come.
As it is now, with society wanting to essentially bury the fact that the inadequacies and inequalities of the system create DESPAIR and ALIENATION. It’s a product of what our lifestyles and culture, or lack thereof, have instilled in us.
The system doesn’t want people to acknowledge this, so it does nothing and the machine keeps churning as more and more people resort to senseless violence and impulsive suicides when maybe just a little compassion and rationality from the world would end up preventing a lot of that.
If you want to say “suicide is selfish” it’s because you don’t want a loved one doing it, how would YOU feel? How would it reflect on YOU? Would it make YOU a failure if a loved one committed suicide? Would it make YOU sad? Oh, how selfless of YOU, to bravely call those who suffer cowards, because they’re not as good and strong and alpha and as devoid of grammar and syntax as YOU. How sad for YOU, to have to deal with the sadness of others. Die in a fire,
Posted by Josh
My screwed up life
I'm 46, overweight, major depression, alcoholic(2 yrs sober) balding, bad body, glasses, bad teeth, hbp, bad circulation, unemployed, no friends, dumped by my purely evil cheating lying gf, no prospects, child abuse survivor, numerous assaults survivor, I live back with my parents who hate me in the middle of nowhere.
But, I am a success. I had the wisdom to not bring children into this Godforsaken world. Mission accomplished.
Posted by Derek
For what it's worth, there are some really amazingly cool people in the world, not the norm, but to all of you out there, thank you for being so selfless, and nice. You're the hope in this life. Thank you.
Posted by Derek
I found this page by typing in "Waiting to die" in the search bar. I have had 60 years on this earth and although I cannot say they were all bad, it has definitely been a daily struggle. I don't want anyone to think that I would purposely harm myself but when the time comes, I won't fight it. Every day is a battle and I just don't have the fight in me any more. You cannot live without interaction from the outside world even to a small degree. I am tired of fighting the things that I cannot control. You know that death is a guarantee but living and waiting till then...very hard! Wanting to die and suicide are two different things. Sometimes the release of how you feel is enough to make it through one more day!
Posted by Marty
I understand. You are not selfish life is well fucked. I am 43 now and have kept these feelings at bay for awhile now even telling myself they were not there anymore but they were. I have a loving husband and will not kill myself because I don't want him to find my body. Life always punches down at me and I am tired of punching back up. So I have decided no more dr. Apt. No second shot. No medical anything. Honestly I am hoping that something comes to end this exsintinse
Posted by Veatle