Waiting to die for a long time

As the years have rolled on by, Life has got tougher. The fight that was once there has faded, It abruptly disappeared a few years ago, surfaced recently and is fading once more. 

Comments

Its clear u have a death wish. That my friend, is a very selfish way of looking at life!
Its all, “me, me, me”. Instead it should b: “how can I help others” reach their potential /goal.

With ur lifetime of experience an yes, memories (which u would rather forget). You could help some many people. So, yes its selfish to live just for urself (no wonder ur disappointed with everything).

Now stop being a wuss, an start helping others grown to their full maturity.
Its never too late.
Now's the time!

Go for it..

Posted by Parcel

Hold on

First of all I know how you feel. second, plz don't listen to the ppl saying u r selfish or that blame you. That doesn't help. it only makes this worse. anyways, I feel the same. I have also been feeling like this for as long as i can remember, even as a child. I know u might not like this but the only thing I can say is if u believe in God then try to reach out to him. it might be frustrating at first but don't let go. Even if u don't believe try it plz. i know u barely have any strength but please please try it. i myself am still trying. sometimes i just cry to God and fall asleep like that then wake up...its hard but he will help u get through the night. he has helped me live another day. i really wish u the best friend♡ insta: itsall_about_3love

Posted by Help

I would love to be a person to you that just wants to be there for you and show you people can be nice and don't want anything from you. Makes me so said to read that.

Posted by Ime

Scott's mother

My son Scott committed suicide. It's the ones left behind that live in hell for the rest of their lives. I'm called a parent survivor. But I'm just going through the motions. He killed me the day he took his life.

Posted by W.L. PARADISE

Waiting for my death

Am 22 years/2021.....but I nolonger HV the desire to live ...my life seems hard .. everything is hard and I can't see any future for me ...!!I tried informing my parents about it it...but I was blamed by them..!!so I decided to just wait patiently.. patiently for death...it's sad cox I can't feel anything..joys of life mean nothing..I really feel tired but I can't kill myself haha I don't no why!!

Posted by No name

Earth's parasites

The Earth is rejecting us. We are not as interesting as we think. Look at you morons with your massive egos thinking you matter more than an ant or a piece of dirt. We are all ridiculously unimportant in the end. If enough of us, myself included, had the brains to not bring children into this world and the courage to step aside permanently then the Earth and the cowards left behind would benefit greatly. So suicide, while never the correct answer, is the opposite of selfish. Parcel you are pathetic. Go drown in a lake you clown.

Posted by Kelly Bendy

Amazing

To be 46 & still alive to witness the atrocities we inflict on each other and on the natural world!! We are pathetic as a species and on borrowed time. Humans will always think they are more important than everything else, animals and Earth itself be damned. Humans here, step aside...Anyone with a heart and and compassion should have suicidal fantasies now and then. Some of us just feel sad & depressed & frustrated & exhausted for good reason & don't understand how anyone can be "happy" when there is so much abuse & violence & exploitation & poverty etc as we speak. One of my earliest memories is of seeing a dog get beat by my neighbor & wanting to rip the memory out of brain. I imagined that I could climb onto the roof of my house and jump off so I could forget. I was 4, maybe 5. F--k the people on this beautiful planet.

Posted by BillyGoat

Reading comments after comment I see people are Great at motivating the lost. Today I tied a noose and tried hanging myself. When it got too tight I stopped. It’s like I don’t know why I search for answers , when I know my heart wants nothing to do with life. Even mustering words to be noticed doesn’t matter. Anyone can say anything, truth is life is unfair, we just want to squeeze some false hope out of it. I hate myself, and I hate people. I too fear he’ll, but as time passes I lose my state of thought, now I don’t even respond to pain like I use to. I just let it soak in, I don’t eat like I use to , I just let my stomach feed off of me, I don’t speak to anyone anymore, I just stare at them and pretend the voices is some eyrie soul telling me to end my life. We hold on to life because we don’t know what’s going to happen. As I slip away day by day in my thoughts I find I’m dying slowly. Slavery was around the corner. The world is not over it. I won’t speak of power, who cares who wants it. All I want is the same as you , to forget everything and not forget how much I hate being alive , I have no friends I don’t want any, I don’t see family I don’t want any. Alone makes you crazy, I talk to myself, and I bleed. When you become lost. Nothing matters what ppl say. Cause everyone is a hypocrite me too . Hope you find a way to live. If you have to go then sit and pray to anything , the devil God the plants pray to the insects that bit you. Just find energy to deter your mind. Because you will do it kill your soul then you will kill yourself. Don’t research anything on the internet it’s designed to make you wanna die more. Nothing can help you in life when you give up. That doesn’t mean nature cannot help. Hug a tree , lie in dirt and roll and scream out loud make the world hear you. If your ashamed to do any of this then you haven’t reached the stage of suicide you just feel life is unfai and wanna die. For me , im crazy and won’t accept help, I don’t do drugs or alcohol. Why is like this, because all I see is slavery in life. Freedom is there but you suffer if you don’t input to society , so be here if you want go if you want. Stop worrying about who has the better answer for your problems , none of them can help you. Not even me, so die if you want live if you want post a message about dying if you want. You will still feel the same. I pray to the universe that the strings of your life be plucked differently so that your burdens in thought will fight for you and not against you. Anyone reading this go to hell except for the guy that said he is in a state of disaster.

Posted by LostSoul

There's Hope

I randomly stumbled upon this blog and didn't knew It would carry someone's cry for help.

Whoever you are please know that death is never an answer to any problem. Yes, there are times when life feels miserable and unfair but know that there are plenty of others who have it far worse than you.

Yes, I agree people on average have become selfish over time and value money over anything else. But do you really believe that includes everyone? I don't think so because you yourself seem to be otherwise.

Have faith in yourself and others and try to have a broader, positive outlook on life.

Life is a gift, a journey and it's up to you what you make out of it. Please think of your family and your loved ones. We all die in the end ultimately but why not enjoy this life when you really only live once.

Hope you read this and have a change of mind/heart.

Posted by APR

I can relate. Also wanting to die. Have for many years. Made some bad choices, and just feel hollow with everything after. No drug, experience or passion will ever fill the hole in my soul now, it's just a waiting game till the jig is up. Have also tried killing myself...just see no reason or value in any human action I take. And I am a teacher, I probably make some difference to someone..but what does that even matter? What a joke

Posted by Jacob

Parcel let me know who you are so I can find you and beat your ass

Posted by Kyle

I get you

I googled "I am waiting to die" and found your blog that resonates with me deeply.
Here's the thing: I trained to be a therapist, I helped people through their trauma, their suicidality and to lead good happy lives.
Yet, here I am. C-PTSD from childhood abuse, been exploited by many people, my body is falling apart (teeth, kidneys, liver and had several miscarriages).
I have good days and bad days. When I work I go into "healthy mode".
Today I am just waiting.

Posted by M

i feel the same way. i just want to float away from everything and everyone. it’s not selfish for those who may think it is you’re just being ignorant of the whole thing the person has explained. for some people like me life just wasn’t made to be. years i have tried counselling and therapy and my life is not getting better as i’m getting older. i see things more clearly and i feel more helpless and alone. life is not for everyone and from wanting to die peacefully, i am now okay with any type of death. the only reason i have not taken my own life yet is just to the fear i have of going of hell and not being free and in peace after i’m dead but if i knew that life after any type of death was peaceful i wouldn’t take a second to think and would finally leave this world. i hope i don’t have to kill myself but i hope i will be gone soon either by an accident, either by someone, or by a natural cause. from the day that i was born i wasn’t meant to be here.

Posted by anonymous

I contacted him and told him my problem and after 24 hours, my Husband came back and promised never to leave me again______________He has cure to some health issues like herpes,..It’s amazing I’m a big fan of Robinsonbuckler11@ gmail com…………….

Posted by Kelley Munger

The only thing

...that is strange to me is, why doesn't everyone feel like us?

It's as though we're just smart enough to see through the bs we're helpless to rescue ourselves from.

Posted by Russ

One of many

Im pretty sure i have always welcomed death. Like one of you said Im just not afraid of it. The fact that some react to this statement is strange to me. Like i am to them i guess. So technically we are all strange, which seems to be the norm. I feel normal. Most of you sound normal. I take comfort in that. I lived the life i chose. As a child i wasnt allowed to choose. So as an adult i chose, a lot! I still choose. On my own. Not without cause or reason. There is always a reason. A reason i can explain. If i cant explain it who will?! Even if it's to just explain it to myself. So, i would like to die, because im ready. And life has a way of bringing you what you want, when you are ready

Posted by Eva

I'm sorry that the other two comments responded so negatively.

Thank you for sharing your story and feelings it was brave of you. Just like the bravery you show everyday by waking up and making it through another day.

Posted by Soya

That first comment by Parcel was really smug and (ironically) self-centred. To say that despair to the point of suicide in a person is merely being “me me me” shows that the commentator is both ignorant and shallow. He/she is clearly incapable of acting on his/her own advice: helping other people instead of being dismissive and condescending.

Posted by Peter

I think it is selfish for ppl to say those that want to suicide are themselves selfish. I myself find myself in so much pain mentally that death will be a release. How others can want me to continue to suffer is selfish. What has been perpertrated on me by others has been horrendous. The world is full of evil, selfish, judgemental ppl. If there is something better out there, I’d rather be there, if theres not....then I’m no worse off. Better than living in this corrupt hellhole we call earth !

Posted by Anonymous

@Parcel

What an absolutely disgusting comment to make. People like you make me sick, ignorant, vile human being. No wonder I prefer animals when there's scum like you who exist.

Posted by Graeme

I can relate. Also wanting to die. Have for many years. Made some bad choices, and just feel hollow with everything after. No drug, experience or passion will ever fill the hole in my soul now, it's just a waiting game till the jig is up. Have also tried killing myself...just see no reason or value in any human action I take. And I am a teacher, I probably make some difference to someone..but what does that even matter? What a joke

Posted by Jacob

I can relate. Also wanting to die. Have for many years. Made some bad choices, and just feel hollow with everything after. No drug, experience or passion will ever fill the hole in my soul now, it's just a waiting game till the jig is up. Have also tried killing myself...just see no reason or value in any human action I take. And I am a teacher, I probably make some difference to someone..but what does that even matter? What a joke

Posted by Jacob

Reading through these comments makes me realize these feelings never go away. This misery really is until death

Posted by Death

Please go a head

You see reading your post and these comments I guess only one or two made the point, you are just too coward to do it, that's why you here, I myself feel the same, I am 22, I fucked my life a while ago, I am a believer of god, but it doesn't seem to help much, just the idea of getting to hell is what made me wait longer but I didn't want to live so I hung myself, yet I was saved from death, I will try again, maybe this time just throw myself from the 10th floor, I wish you have succeded before you read my comment,life is unfair, and your life is fucked up, if you believe in god well then I guess you would probably just go to hell whether you kill yourself or not(I mean you have a lot of sins right?) just end it, a rehab won't do you good, but please if you are toooo coward t commmit suicide, don't write about it, you are making us *the real suiciders* look pathetic. we are not, we are more courageous than you are, we are stronger than to play in this play called life, suiciders won't come cry about it here believe me, so the chances are, 90% you won't do it.

Posted by Lmouss

I dont think i can wait. People are so messed up. Everywhere I go, I try to be friendly and make friends but now I feel like I have a back full of holes from being stabbed in the back so many times. Today, a coworker told me that the people I think are my friends, aren't really my friends. I mean wtf, who says that to someone unless they are trying to hurt them??? I never did anything but be kind to this person so why does she want to hurt me??? I have a plan but like so many others, I'm afraid of hurting my loved ones that I will leave behind.

Posted by cynthany

I dont think i can wait. People are so messed up. Everywhere I go, I try to be friendly and make friends but now I feel like I have a back full of holes from being stabbed in the back so many times. Today, a coworker told me that the people I think are my friends, aren't really my friends. I mean wtf, who says that to someone unless they are trying to hurt them??? I never did anything but be kind to this person so why does she want to hurt me??? I have a plan but like so many others, I'm afraid of hurting my loved ones that I will leave behind.

Posted by cynthany

Ms

I understand how you feel. I've been down that road myself. I won't tell you it will get better, cos it probably won't.
On the bright side, atleast we are not afraid of death, only of the pain of dying.
We are essentially waiting to die.and so we wait.
Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Posted by Melissa

I’m with you. I snicker at parcel who thinks they know by some infinite wisdom how to “help” people. Who even knows what that means to them and if it really helps anyone. After all, we all are born, we all think we are special and the world revolves around us, then we die trying to sit with that. No shame in being ready before others. No prize for being last out of the pool after all.

Posted by Brian

And here I sit, waiting for things to end.

Posted by Neil

Yes, You have a right to die - We all do! The antagonisms raised by others are like a clumsy burden that they wish desperately and meanly for you to carry. Their small minded, truncated wisdom, their orthodoxies and their “tough-love” are all meant as an attack. An attack against their own fears and darkness which You embody in your chronic wish to die. I suffer similarly on the spectrum from light to dark. It is a difficult road. And ultimately one travelled alone. We cannot always expect others to understand or to support us or to carry us when our very will has collapsed. I do however believe in and recommend self-Compassion. The kind of Love that sees but does not judge. The kind of Love that understands that humans are grown and not made. We are not akin to our manufactured and homogenous world. In all of our very organic feeling and physicality, suffering exists! And sometimes One’s suffering is totally unknowable to others! Knowing that this may be My life’s work and as invisible as suffering can be, I am the One who is here carrying it! Perhaps I am learning to let it pass through me because I falsely imagine it is mine to bear. Embodying something does not make it mine and We attribute ownership for all the most incarnate of reasons. I know I can let go of suffering. I can take my hands off the wheel of it. I can refuse it’s overarching claim of me. I can carve other trails. I can breathe deeply in the face of it, no longer fearing its presence and even not even caring that it is there. Knowing — That I AM the bigger force, having sustained its force all of these years. Knowing I no longer am willing to fight it, I can recover my energy. I can call every severed piece of Me Home.
(love)

Posted by Miss Mavis Extra Fancy

Speak your truth

I am grateful that you have spoken your truth. I have the opposite problem. I have memory issues and can’t remember enough to get upset about it. Not like dementia, I cannot remember much of my past at all. I was in a car accident when I was 6, this may be why I am good at forgiving, because I am good at forgetting. But I also welcome death. I feel it promises bigger and better things. Fear of death confuses me. Death reveals many tings we try to hide. The comments show this.

Posted by Suzette

Death

I’ve been in a circle for years I think 8 I lost my girlfriend and she was my everything she made laugh smile and everysingle part of me loved her but it got torn away from no fault of my own and I didn’t understand why because oh we were so good together laughing loving life in the moment and gradually I though got into different relationships and I was thought that it was mirroring of her love too others I grew strong with friends and they continued too judge me for giving my upmost all too them and I fell into work and I always gave my best advice and help to others whilst they needed help or advice though I have a shadow of death that has followed me ever since with everyday feeling like a shadow now I just want too go too sleep

Posted by Nathan

The world is a pandemic of mental illness

Here in Canada assisted death is legal (M.A.I.D.). You have to prove to your Doctor that your life is not worth living. No one can ever possibly know the depth of pain an individual is feeling when they know there is no hope. Generally the guidelines are written for terminal people.

People say your selfish but not one individual who commented here offered you hope. It is possible that there is no other way but ending the suffering of slowly dying inside.

Suicide is only selfish for the people who wouldn't or couldn't help you when you needed it when you are live.

For some people, life is predetermined by genetic makeup. Not every person is going to live a worthwhile life.

People offer useless advise when what you need is empathy and love and when all is said and done only you can decide if you are capable of overcoming your hopelessness.

I know from my own life long battle with mental illness I do not have the physical and mental strength to do the homework to change myself within the years I have left to turn my surviving skills off and just live.

If you DO NOT have a loving and caring support system to help you recover, the loneliness grows exponentially. Without a single family member or friend to help mentally ill people through the difficult battle, does someone really want to recover knowing that what you need will never, ever be there for you?

Not all people are equipped to deal with the endless and intensive therapy of cognitive behavioral change to find hope once again. Yes, some people are really damaged inside.

Society is too selfish to accept any responsibility for our brothers and sisters who are disadvantaged from the day they are born.

Mark my words . . . The future is grim. Until mental illness is treated like a pandemic around the world, there will be ignorance and judgment from the real selfish people.

Posted by ConnieK

I get you

Hi. I do not know if you'll receive this, read it, or if anyone else would. But I get you. I ended up here because I searched the internet for "I want to die".

we've been told that there is so much more to life... that every day is a new day with a chance to make things better. I can never attest to that - or at least still haven't.

But what keeps me going is the thought that even though I did not want to be born at all, I am already here. We already exist. and what better way is there to die than to know you have had a wonderful life that YOU made.

So do whatever makes YOU happy. Eat the last chocolate. buy that clothing wear. walk til your feet get sore. rest as much as you want to.

As long as you do things that do not cause others pain and misery, you're in peace.

Who knows, maybe someday you'll look back at life and say, "damn. I did pretty good".

Posted by Just someone from who knows where :)

Same

What’s the point. Good years (if that’s what you wanna call them) are behind me now. Let’s get this over with already

Posted by Anonymous

I’ve wanted to die for at least 15 years. I’ve also tried to pick myself over and over again only to be crushed again. It’s gotten to the point where it feels too late to try for a different life. Everything follows you. Your resume. Your record. Your social presence. How does someone with mental illness deal with that? Add in loneliness and the lack of emotional support from the people in your life, and it’s a recipe for misery and fear of where your life will end up. You start to feel like that person trapped in a room on fire. I’ve wondered if this life is some version of hell. Who knows.

Posted by Babs

i am in the same situation.. have been for decades..

since my early childhood, my life was such, that i wished i was dead. then i picked myself up, piece by piece, and worked to be someone. i think i worked too hard, and did too well academically, and then professionally, and it did help me get economical statbility in life. but a life that began like that, could not continue well. i went from one abusive relationship to another. sometimes, i think it was my fault, perhaps i made my partner like that. however hard i tried to love others, and make their lives happy and beautiful.. more was i ridiculed. they eitehr left me and went away, or they stayed and tormented me. eventually, i started losing hope. i stopped hopig, but started living, on a day-to-day basis.. now again all the pain has returned. pain of childhood.. abuse by parent, pain from partner.. of not understanding my pain, and of never been happy with whatever i do. i try so hard. in the process, my career too has suffered as i gave all my priority to my family.. but nothing is ever enough. i have had so much enough.. now every day i wish i would sleep, and not need to wake up the next day.. that is how i found your post. i hope the Lord (if He is there) eases your pain. i know, how difficult it might be. i really never wanted anything but "peace" and "love" in my life. now i just want "peace".. still it eludes me. i don;t have the strength to take another step.. i just can't do it anymore. i have lost.. simply lost. and i do not see any other way out than death.. if there was another way out, i would take it gladly.. but i do not have the strength to hurt the people for whom i care.. so the result= pain!! i really want a relief from this pain.. i just dont know how to..

Posted by sd

You v others

Why every comment has to mention other people's influence on your state of mind? Apart from Bab's comment, which seems more reasonable and realistic to me, all the others seem to think that what you do or did to others and what they've done to you are at the root of your disenchantment with life.

You are free to do whatever you want with your life. No one can feel your pain.

Implying that you are selfish and that by helping others you will feel better is preposterous, if not naive.

Wanting to die is not the same as not wanting to live. It's just that all the other alternatives that you consider adequate or acceptable are not available or you don't have the necessary support to achieve them.

I think it takes a lot of courage to commit suicide and I applaud countries like Canada that have assisted death, because that can only come from places where there's also assisted living. Supportive communities probably know when all possible attempts to help a person have been tried.

Dysfunctional families have a lot to answer for suicidal thoughts. It's usually the lack of a healthy upbringing that leads people to think that death is the best way out of an unworthy life. If you haven't been prepared for tough, yet common, situations when you were growing up, you will certainly have trouble ahead. Genetic predisposition accounts for a small percentage of cases and others are drug related.

What can you do, apart from killing yourself? Do whatever you want, like, wish to do that is within your possibilities. If you're tired of living, rest. If you have completely lost the will to live, you have no motivation or perspective for the future, sing, breathe, scream, cry, laugh, observe, meditate, think as much as your brain can cope with until it stops letting intrusive thoughts and feelings take over.

Live your life as if you are an animal, not a human. Animals know how to live, because their instincts are still working properly. Humans are superficial, artificial and cynical. Don't accept that. If you are not fit for living in a diseased human society it's because you're sane.

Posted by Pat

Parcel, irs time you wrapped up. You FOOL.

Posted by VL

Waiting to die

I googled waiting to die thinking there might be some insight out there, but I found this blog with some like minded people that I wish I knew IRL. Nothing gets better forever. It's temporary distractions that keep me here, innovation in health and technology. Im a blip, like an extra in a TV show that gets killed off so beautiful people can survive in their perfect lives. Where do those extra people go? We have to continue with our lives, so that the world has some sort of balance? So that good people can live? I keep thinking God will make this right, that I'm here for a purpose. But why I am here? To make others feel better about themselves? I'm certainly with flaws, too many to list. Why do I suffer through this? Is there an easier way?

Posted by Just me

Hi 'Just me'

Easier way? No. Living isn't easy. It's an endurance test. And beautiful people don't have perfect lives. Far from it. Many can't see what's really important in life, they're blinded by their beauty.

When you have reached the bottom of the hole there's only one way out. Upwards and onwards.

My life is pretty much crap right now. Too complicated too write about it. I have come to the point where nothing really matters, it's the only way I can breathe. I'm autistic and this world wasn't made for people like me. I will keep going until it's time to die. No idea when or how, but that's a comforting thought to some extent.

Wishing you luck!

Pat

Posted by Pat

I know. I grew up in a dysfunctional family myself, and have had so many troubles because of the traumas from that. Nothing else in this universe has caused me more pain than family. And often I feel like I'm just a cold metal statue looking like a human, but hollow and full of tears nobody will know about.

To Pascal, or so many others who right now are in a place you demonstrated here: I can't judge you. I have been like that myself. I even think it has killed someone. Perhaps I'm too harsh with myself there, but I feel horrible by that, by having been so hard. Please try to calm down, be still. Try to understand that for some of us... it's just too much, okay! How can you be so sure you have even the slightest knowledge about what you are talking about? Please don't do this again. My friend?

When I read this blog, I felt I could breathe. I heard the whispering of the deep knowledge only deep suffering can bring, the beauty of all that we can be, only locked inside, hidden perhaps, behind all those scars and heavy burdens. I feel you. You are me. That's all.

The thing is.. I believe.. that death just isn't real. Look at all the near death experiences from all around the world. Of course most of it is crap, like the millions who claim to have been "abducted" by aliens, or have lived before, or whatever it is people claim. And of course our bodies die and all that, and the "naturalists" or the "atheists" or whatever have very convincing arguments, but I am more and more sure that ... well, there is more.

Oh no, you might think. So I can't escape? Will it never end? What despair. Or... oh no, here we go again.
Yes, of course. Religion. Horrible isn't it. A big part of all that I hate about this world. When I do. But that's all just surface, we know that. If there is a force, or a "Great spirit" or ... just something, behind, before, within... it has to be completely beyond the comprehension of our limited minds.

I have no answers, only pain, but in fact.. also hope. To actually one day be able to be able to think and say and live that opposite of hate, the word I can't even write, not yet. If not before, then after, on the other side.

See you!

Posted by Call

My screwed up life

I'm 46, overweight, major depression, alcoholic(2 yrs sober) balding, bad body, glasses, bad teeth, hbp, bad circulation, unemployed, no friends, dumped by my purely evil cheating lying gf, no prospects, child abuse survivor, numerous assaults survivor, I live back with my parents who hate me in the middle of nowhere.

But, I am a success. I had the wisdom to not bring children into this Godforsaken world. Mission accomplished.

Posted by Derek

Also...

For what it's worth, there are some really amazingly cool people in the world, not the norm, but to all of you out there, thank you for being so selfless, and nice. You're the hope in this life. Thank you.

Posted by Derek

I found this page by typing in "Waiting to die" in the search bar. I have had 60 years on this earth and although I cannot say they were all bad, it has definitely been a daily struggle. I don't want anyone to think that I would purposely harm myself but when the time comes, I won't fight it. Every day is a battle and I just don't have the fight in me any more. You cannot live without interaction from the outside world even to a small degree. I am tired of fighting the things that I cannot control. You know that death is a guarantee but living and waiting till then...very hard! Wanting to die and suicide are two different things. Sometimes the release of how you feel is enough to make it through one more day!

Posted by Marty

Me too

I understand. You are not selfish life is well fucked. I am 43 now and have kept these feelings at bay for awhile now even telling myself they were not there anymore but they were. I have a loving husband and will not kill myself because I don't want him to find my body. Life always punches down at me and I am tired of punching back up. So I have decided no more dr. Apt. No second shot. No medical anything. Honestly I am hoping that something comes to end this exsintinse

Posted by Veatle

Waiting for my time.

I'm committing suicide the hard way, by letting nature take it's course. I get up each day hoping that some malady will take me so that I can be with my wife again. I don't intend to take my life as I don't want to jeopardize being with her again. I hear each and every one of you and I empathize, I truly do, but I can't do that to my family or my friends. They don't deserve the kind of guilt that comes from being close to someone that ends their life prematurely. I have a DNR and have decided that if I contract a disease as my wife did I will not fight it, I won't put myself through what she did. She wanted so much to live, to see our daughter go to college, get married and have children. To grow old together, to be the grand parents that spoiled their grand children rotten. To watch a thousand sun rises and sun sets. To go all the places we put off until tomorrow. My advice, don't put anything off until tomorrow, do it all now.

Posted by Not Given

Finally some peace and quiet

I may offer a different perspective than most others, please don’t judge me. I have lived for years with constant trauma in my life; divorce, losing my business multiple time. Starting all over, just to see all the hard work disappear again.
I’ve spent so many years working to improve my life only to see it get all taken away and then left with nothing again, and again.
WTF? Really? Everyone says that if you follow your passion and work hard you can achieve anything. Well I did all that and still failed miserably.
I’m finally at a point in my life that I’ve finally found some peace; however, I think I want to die so I don’t have to feel negative emotions again.
I have nothing now; no job, $500 car, no money, no long term goals in life anymore.
Is it wrong to end my life on peaceful terms. I don’t want to fall into depression again, I’ve finally found peace! Why would I continue on just to torture myself more?
Just my opinion anyways...
Thanks

Posted by Midnight Rider

Im Still Here, too.

Im 22...i came across this blog bc i wondered if people feel similar to me, or possibly exactly the same.

Suicidal Ideation has been apart of my life since i was little. I’ve always been wanting to die, ready and waiting.

I had multiple attempts as a child and as a teen but after a while I realized how much people underestimate what the human body is capable of. It can recover and take on so much pain and suffering, mentally and physically. Coma’s, overdoses, fatal wounds, extreme blood loss...recovery was always possible and it never felt “meant” for me.

I shouldn’t still be alive but i am. At the moment, I live for on other suicidal people.

I know what its like to lose somebody to suicide. For the past 3 years its been my reason not to. I just chose to live on, FOR this person who killed herself....

Sometimes i wish it were me instead. Sometimes i wish i could finally join her, 6ft. deep.

Sometimes i just WISH there was a group of people who truly understand how it feels to feel happy, enlightened and free when you think about death. And FINALLY moving on. And...just being so ready to die.
Its not always a wish to end the way i feel so negatively...most of the time its this Desire To Die...the same feeling you get if you were to have a Desire to Live...or a Desire to become a doctor... I just have a beautiful Desire to die.

On good days, i only think about dying or killing myself once or twice throughout the day. But on bad days, i think about it for the entire day. It doesnt go away. Its been 20 years. Ive been in therapy my entire life. So if you’re wondering if i need help, i got it. Thanks.

It should be MY choice.
A regular, normalized, choice for everyone of all ages.
To die young. And healthy. And die on a good day. To die on the best day of my life.
Its not wrong, it’s perfect. To die happy, and fulfilled.

That feeling of happiness never lasts for more than a few minutes for me. Its so Rare that it’s an honor to die while feeling that.

Im afraid i may die on a bad day, old and tired, struggling, and aching, depressed and wondering if i have enough time left to fix something or if i have enough time before i remember something i forgot to say.

Im afraid i wont have closure before i die, so i should have the right to choose when im ready. And i dont have to be 80 to do that.

It would be an honor to die on the best day of my life, before the day ends and i have to go to sleep, only to wake up again knowing that today will never be as good as the other day, in fact its likely i wont have another good day ever again.

Maybe there is a cult somewhere where people join every year, only to have a beautiful ceremony where everyone gathers to your funeral. You die on your birthday. With help from everyones else there, so you can move on peacefully. No matter what age, or how ill you are. You would be given the right to the most beautiful ceremony of assisted suicide. Pretty much. The thought of THAT makes me feel at ease. I want nothing more, than to die. And i will always be ready.

Like i said, I’m Still Here....sadly.
If you want to talk, my Instagram is @rissa.redd and im always willing to talk to anyone who feels similar.

Posted by Rissa

Im sat in this waiting room too.

Once my mother dies I can finally exit. Im only staying alive so I dont put her through the pain of her only child killing themselves. I cant do it to her.

To anyone in this situation, of not wanting to be here, for everything to just stop, I hope at somepoint you find peace.

Posted by x

I am 61 years old. I have arthritis copd overweight and I work . I have a loving wife.
Some how the bills get paid. I used to count my blessings & that somehow made life bearable. The world & my life seem to be ending. The big question is who will die first.
Dying is so easy. The hard part is living. I do NOT want to commit suicide. Suicide is Murder!!! People say that I am a happy person. Truth be told l am only fooling myself.
That's all I have. Please pray for me.

Posted by Albert

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Wassup y'all. I usually visit suicideproject.org for the latest blog by people xontemplatinf suicide. Today I searxhed "every day all i want is death" and found thjs site. Typos are cuz I'm typing on a phone. I fluctuate between being apparently okay and being rather mentally ill. For example. Yesterday, i had someone assume I was shoplifting. On my way home I did as I sometimws do, try to make sure no one is too close by to notice, I usually yell FUCK! At the top of my lungs, when I let my temper get the best of me. I did this but don't want to be noticed doing this. Then about 5 or 10 minutes later I was still upset at myself I dont know why, I guess it is because I am angry that I look like a shoplifters cuz I wear my backpack into the store, cuz I am now on a bicycle on my commute from work. About 1 month ago, I lent my car to a lady I got to know for 10 days. She stole my car and 99% of my worldly possessions with it. She was the first person I had sex with within the last 5 years. I love sex, with females that is. I am strait. Any way, I get assumed as a shop lifter becUse incidentally I am one who has now tried to be generous with somwpne and incidentally had most everything stolen from me. So now I look like a shop lifting bum. Cuz I have a 5 mile commute by bicycle. I stop to enjoy a local farm/shop with some Air conditning inside on a hot humid summer day. I take my time browsing since I only have $12 in my wallet, which is the tip money I made at work. I buy a $3 lemon pastry and the girl needs to put it in a plastic container" and i tell her i dont need a platic container but I'm like whatever I dont need to compkicate things for her. I open it up and eat it in the store, then put the empty container in my backpack. So this store has a section where you can buy pastries and also theres a checkout for regular grocery items. So the dude walks up to me as I'm going back to purchase 1 more remaining lemon pastry as a gift for my mom. I figure the girl was nice, I am enjoying the AC. I ca afford to buy another $3 lemon bar for my mum. The dude walks up to me as I am purchasing the item and says Are you going to pay for that, / what you put in your backpa k (which was the leftover platic container which I didnt want in the first place. I say I already paid for it and she confirmed this to the guy employee. So whatever I got ticked off. He says okay " just be careful" like what the f is that supposed to mean. I just got falsely accused of trying to shoplift. So anyway, after leaving the store and cintinuing hime and yelling this outburst aimed at no one just my frustration at my own situation, where I look like a theif, ironically as a result of being generous and having everything stolen from me.. Normally I would drive a car and not have a reason to carry a backpack in a store..after my vocal outburst, I actually punched my self on the side of my head so fast I disnt even think twice. This is the first time ive drawn blood like in a boxing match or something. To my suprise, as it wasnt my intention, I felt the wetness and confirmed as i could see blood on my hand. Wow. I literally punched my self in the head as I'm walking my bicycle home... With a lemon bar in my basket. Once I gave my self a black eye in another episode. This is a rare occurance for me, but sometimes I just hate my self for being stupid. I have lots more to write. This is really dumb. But I have a good life. I just get caught up in my own poor attitude some times. I like dreaming sometimes. I'm glad I can temporarily escape waking life. Gotta wrap this up or it prob wont lwt me post. I like to write sometimes. Yep. Tha ks for reading

Posted by Just a man 31yrs

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People ask me how old I am. Some times i say Guess! They usually say some.early 20 something. I look young for my age cuz I only have a goatee. Not a full beard. And im healthy. Fairly healthy. Clear skin. iDK- its prolly just lack of facial hair. Not trying to be a smartass, althou once I told a cop, I am infinite. See, consciousness is infinite. And I am consciousness. I know I am not this body. I am consciousness experiencing this body..people always wanna size I up by ur age, asking How old are you. Like dude, I am not a number. I have had some acid trips, like 30 tabs in one go. I saw I infinity, like I could see a portal or a tunnel. I experiences eternity. My realization was Infinity is absolutely real, but without Love as a context for reality, nothing could exist. David icke said ayahuasca told him " infinite love is the only truth; everything else is an illusion" ... I lived lifetimes in that one trip. People wanna judge like how wise are you or what do you know based in how old you are. What youve experienced.. How much experience.. Well I'm only 31 in worldly terms. But in truth, we are all consciousness. I met this Mormon missionary sister. She tells me " I'm only 19" and goes on to say like really humbly "I
don't have all the answers", but what she can guarentee is that her faith does provide lasting peace and truth. I watched the movie The Gospel of John again last night. Find it on YouTube. I am raised Christian. And is gives me a renewed sense of peace . see, I can't prove to you that the gospel is true, but consider the possibility that the creatir of this realm did come into the world as a man, to save your soul from, to save all our souls from out own wicked devices.. Free will is a really amazing part of this creation, but of course we are bound to err as humans.. But g0d was like hey- dont worry. Im sending you a get out of jail free card. Normally you would pay the wages of sin which is death, but I love you so much that I am sending my son as a redeemer for your soul, because my grace and mercy is probably beyond your understanding. God wants a personal relationship with you. My eyes are tearing up right now. I'm telling you the truth. God loves you. He wants to redeem you and me from all of our wickedness and shortcomings. He said he has many rooms I heaven. He just wants you to believe- that he showed up for you. That he loves you so much, he showed up and lived a perfect life as a teacher, so that we might ve free fron the consiquences of out own sin. I am a sinner. Ive been a thief and a liar and an adulterer. And worse. Can't even think of what right now.. Well actually I still have a neurosis where I literally have deep seated resentment toward police. And I know I can overcome this attitude with G0ds help. Christ commands us to Love one another. Forgive and you are forgiven. Judge not least ye be judged. As we do unto others, we literally do unto ourselves. On my 7 drops of liquid LSD I had to take off my normal clothes and walk around in my lawn wrapped in a pink sheet like a bedding sheet becUse it was the only thing that I found comfortable. The clingyness of normal clothes, like the way a belt holds your waist, became so wierd or foreign to me. I am a dumbass but also a student of Buddhism and the Buddha was very correct In his realization of the truth. But I also remember a 3 liquid drop LSD trip, where I couldnt get my mind off Christ. How he lives in me. In us. We who accept him. Recieve him. Believe in him. My realization from that trip was " the power of an idea to change the world".. Unconditional forgiveness. Turning the other cheek. Yea there comes a time when.grace runs out. Hoe many times must I forgive my brother? 7 times? No! Said Christ. Try 70 times 7 times. See, sometimes you gotta rebuke the devil. But still... To forgive above all that shit.. Is transcendental. This realm is ruled largely by dark forces. This is Satan's realm. But heaven is available to those who have faith in God. I believe the gospel is true. Death is considerable by living in Truth. Turning your life over to Christ and obeying his commands. The Buddha also had a legit grasp so to speak on the inner workings of this realm. Grasp.. Hehe. On that 7 drop trip, I was so okay with this world. Okay with letting it all go. Letting go of the world, my temporary form in this world. Its all okay. Like my ayahuasca trip. Your body will pass away.. Yea. But its okay. Life will go on. I still have this ego that gets pissed off and depressed and spiteful. But I know thats my demons. My neurosis. At my best, when im high as a kite as my grabdma would say, or like when I am high as fuck. When I feel really enlightened.. Like my first serious mushroom trip.. How could I ever want anything, when I am all that is?? Of course my ego would return.. Gosh darn it! Everyone else gets to have all the hot women and here I am wasting my prime 20s not getting laid like even 1% of how much I love woemn5 and really need to get laid. I live. I love making love with women. Arrg how frusrtrating and agonizing it is for my ego to not get the sex I want so badly..!# I'm very fit, 6pak abs ive never had to work for. I eat as much as I want and nver gain weight.. I am lucky. I still have my legs. I can run . heck I can run a mile today in 7 minutes without any trouble. I can still do prolly 18 pull ups consecutive. Maybe. Its been a while since I tried to see what I can do. I am so fit.. Although I have tooth decay which I am self conscious about.. I have a nice home by the graces of my mother. A 450 thousand dollar home according to market appraisal last time I checked. Taxes are like $100 a night last time my dad told me. I am blessed. To live in a nice area. We have a dog. Who is a perfect little rascal of a soul. And yet.. I find my self this very evening asking .. G0d, can I just be done with this life? Can you just end my life by some freak accident? I wish I was never born. I just dont wanna participate. That woman who stole my car said LSD causes bipolar according to the experts from what she was tild in college. Well. Yea I get a down. I get frustrated. But when I think about the teaxhings of Christ and the Buddha... I know I can realign this consciousness with something good. And trudge through this life that is suffering. It's worth thw struggle. Death 99.9% chance will come to all of us. I just have to hang in here. Do my part. For some reason I guess because my body hasnt experienced too much of the decline of aging.. I have this predisposition to think I might live like 300 years or something. Or maybe like 130, with life extention technology.. Always developing. For all we know, they might make a way to upload your consciousness to computer technology and make us immortal- ish in the this lifetime. I figure, ive had some good times, some good orgasms.. I may be dismally dismayed with life to the point of thinking I will never have the fortune of another girlfriend.. But hey.. 31years down.. What do I have left, maybe another 100? I will do my part for God. Keep on keeping at it. No need to be impatient. The grim reaper will find me when the time is right. I must have done like at least 25% of my mission here, right? In all prbablility I might live another 10 years. Less likely but still within a rwasoable guess, I might have 1 year left. Less likely still but still possible, I might have another 100 to go. Here I am, all impatient to die, typing away with my thumbs.. If this were midevil times and I was caught stealing I might have both my hands cut off by now. I see folks in wheelchairs maybe missing parts of legs.. I can be so ungrateful for all I still have. My 20 flanges. Eyes that work great. Ears. Taste. Smell. Appetite. Sex drive. Some females and males even find me attractive. Just cuz I seem to never get laid.. Its not the end of the world. Buddha said as long as man has love for woman he is caught in the cycle of death and rebirth. Maybe it's .. No... No. It would probably be better if I was like that time on mushrooms. . . how can I ever want anything... When I am all that is.... I was about to say, maybe its better that I cant stay in that ' enlightenwd state'. Maybe its striving through the sadness and with the passion and hunger for growth that will define my life for the better. I wish I could keep my wisdom instead of being so forgetful. I used to think, I dont need a job or money to be happy. If I can just figure out how to ve happy, I am all set. Its a state of being. The heart and mind together. That's shortly after graduation high school and having this whole new freedom to waste or enjoy all the time I want just being free to be not told what to do all the time. Then its like, oh shit, I still have a sex drive. Oh shit, now I am settling for masturbation and porn. Oh shit. Everyone else has a car. Oh shit. All my peers have amazing hot girlfriends. Oh shit now everyone has kids. And here I am.. Left behind. A muserable jerkoff loser. Wow. I fuckwd up. I wasted my opportunities. Didn't try hard enough in school or at a career or with all those wonderful round women who really liked me and now have kids. Here I am. No college degree. No kids. Meh. It's okay. At least I have seen glimpses of the truth. Like that acid trip she. I told my friend the realization of Be Here Now, and he tells me thats the title of a book, you should read it. Thanks for reading. Y'all be good out there. This rant was spontanious and unedited. You can email me at sonic397@aol.com

Posted by Just a man 31yrs

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Edits- death is Conquerable*(1)
Wonderful young** women(2)
The acid trip when***(3) I told of Be Here Now. Lots of typos. It's cuz I'm on a phone. The computer was in the car which I lent for an alleged medical emergency. It's also cuz this is a freewrite. If I took the time to edit, it would be less of the brain dump you see above. It would entail caring enough to make it easy for you to read. Makes me think of covid. Sorry, I dont want to wear a mask. To wear a mask would imply 1) I want to protect my life and not die ASAP (false) 2) I need to wear a mask to keep you safe from the alleged potential biohazard that is my breath (also false) 3) I either believe the mask works to keep people safe or I need to respect the opinion that wearing a mask keeps people safe (double false). Although I like that I can wear a bandana into any business establoshment like this the wild wild west and not get the cops called like im some kinda bank robbing criminal.. On that note, would you believe I lent my other car to a convicted bank robber? And my favorite manager said, you know ive always thought for years now like maybe I should just rob a bank. It would be so much easier than all this work. And one of my latest employers said something about if you steal you will be fired. You can get numbers for the register when we know you better. When we know youre not a bank robber. Something like that. I forget exactly. Its funny. I got in a car accident with no insurance. I said I would pay. I said in my experience money solves a lot of problems. The guys wife says to me " BUT you have no money " .. Funny.. Someone said " money is the greatest evidence of our belief that we are separate from one another" .. See, we the people are the value. We are the money.. Without valuable people, there is no value in money. Tesla said money does not have a value as people ascribe to it. Just imagine the world we might live in if JP Morgan allowed nikola teslas inventions to be created for the benefit of all people, before he passed on and all the most advanced technology was made top secret assets of the military... Imagine a world with no money.. No bank to rob.. Free electricity... Free transportation... Imagine a world where we respect all life and act as stewards of the ocean and the rainforest and all life... Imagine if we all stopped believing in money.. Scribbles on paper.. The system... Check out my heroes Arthur and Fiona of LoveForLife.com.au also their work on YouTube. I also think the earth is not a ball flying through outer space. I met with Math PowerLand in person. I have also spoken with Joshua Swift the flat earth activist over the phone. Also Dan the Man the Life Regenerator and Mark David of endalldisease.com are role models and heroes to me for the work they do. I dont do much in this life, but there are some stellar people in this world. If I could give humanity even 1% of what they have given me, I can only imagine...

Posted by Just a man 31yrs

Life is a mistake. Nothing can make it right. Injustice reigns supreme. Animals eat each other, humans exploit both animals and men, natural disasters, diseases, accidents, and all of it for nothing at all. A mindless evolutionary engine of survive long enough just to produce the next generation of futility. And all this nonsense tied up with moral impediment - the impossibility to live a life without harming some innocent other person at least once (human or animal). A society that goes on just to go on. A society and a life that are fueled but the suffering of millions. We exploit animals for food, clothing, animal experimentation, even fun. And we make up fairy tales as to why we have that right. We accept all the horrors of life, because we believe in some non-sensical future, where everything will be ok and solved. But that future will never come. Unless all life on earth goes extinct. That is the only future that can be regarded as ok (although the victims of the past will remain forever unanswered for, no justice will ever come to justify their pain - it was all for nothing)
Hoping death will come sooner rather than later on this mindless rock

Posted by Nikos Alexopoulos