Im not sure where to start. I have been struggling, consistantly, with the fear of death for the better part of 20 years. It is all consuming. I am 40 years old and I feel like I havent lived since I was 20.  Currently I feel as though I'm having a breakdown.  I try and find groups all the time, but there are never any that are current or any in my area. I try and find blogs, but they are always a bazillion years old and no one comments anymore. So, I will post here and see if anyone comments. 

Not only do I suffer from this fear of death, I also have something called Somatic Symptom Disorder. SSD is a disorder similar to health anxiety. So, not only am I fearful of my death, I constantly worry that something is wrong with me medically, physically, internally. I worry about cancers and heart attacks and blot clots, etc. I have a background in the medical field also, so my knowledge on diseases and disorders and illnesses is not lacking. Every pain or twinge or ache or nausea or headache or cramp or anything (the list goes on and on and on) is something awful, something deadly, something that will kill me... either immediately or within hours or within days. I can't say i've met anyone like me or even spoke to anyone like me. I have spoke to people with one issue or the other but never both. 

I feel alone and lost so much of the time. I am a follower of Jesus, so if you do comment, please dont attack my faith. I struggle with my faith as well. Im only about a year in and I still have doubts and questions about eternity and whats real and not real. Im proof that just because youre a believer doesnt mean all your troubles and worries disappear. God is capable of miraculous healing and instant healing... but is doesnt always happen that way. Sometimes faith looks like mine. Some healing doesnt come until after death. 

My panic attacks are more frequent lately. My anxiety seems to be a constant 8 to 10. I have health issues and that makes it harder too. Im afraid to do anything. Afraid to go outside. Afraid to take medicine. Afraid to eat. Afraid to drink. Afraid to drink or smoke. Afraid to even take a daily vitamin. I take anxiety meds currently, paroxetine and lamotrigine and valium as needed, and it took me a year of having those before I ever took a single pill. And when I did decide to take them, I had my husband drive me to the ER parking lot and sit there for an hour so that if anything happened to me he could get help immediately. I feel pathetic even saying that but its true. I have gastroparesis and other gut issues that makes me afraid to eat.  If I eat too much or too little it causes bad pain. If I eat the wrong thing it causes pain. I could eat chicken one day and be perfectly fine, and then have it again the next day and not be fine. And when the pain comes its so so bad and causes the panic to come on. Panic because my mind tells me that something is terribly wrong. So, I haven't been eating much. 

Is there anyone out there that can relate to this? Anyone that can understand any of this? Does anyone know what I am feeling? 

Ok. 

Nicole