Is Talking about bereavement the key?
A write up of Derby Death Cafe
By timdowdell
After some introductions the purpose of the group was outlined ie a very informal chat about all issues relating to death, dying and bereavement - with no particular agenda, just the sharing of experience.
The group included three guests from Coventry interested in setting up their own Café for patients and relatives at their hospital.
Three members of a Derby based community group also came along to discuss their recent experience of bereavement. The most important thing they felt was the need to talk about it. Including the difficulties with practical tasks ie opening jars, hanging a picture and mowing the lawn, the challenges involved in building a new life and the difficulties coming back to the quiet of an empty house and living alone – especially after a day or days out with friends and family. One of the group members said she gained real comfort from little conversations she had with her late husband in her head, telling him off for leaving her to do the lawn and having him say, ‘go on you can do it!’
Discussion touched on how difficult bereavement was, good days, not such bad days and bad days - how emotions could be unpredictable sometimes and the stages of grief and how sometimes they don’t necessarily follow each other in order and can last varying lengths of time. One member of the group said there were other groups available that helped to support people going through grief and mention was made of the myths and misunderstandings there are surrounding the whole subject.
They discussed the importance of photos as a source of comfort. Helping to remember better times. One woman spoke of pouring herself a little drink and toasting a photo of her Husband on their anniversary. Another said how comforting it was to have her husband’s ashes at home. Keeping busy also seemed to help rather than sitting and thinking for long periods of time.
Care planning, planning for the future and what options are available were discussed and the importance for staff in the caring professions to be trained on the subject of death, dying and bereavement.
Talk moved on to include the poor state of repair and maintenance at a Derby cemetery; why grave stones subside – and alternative ways of marking the life of a loved one, like planting a tree and sponsored schemes like Heritage Wood; but there are many others of course. (It was noted that trees can die from a variety of causes but then they just need to be quickly replaced).
Another important issue raised at the meeting was the difficulties of discussing a death in the family with members of that family – for a variety of reasons some just don’t want to or find it very difficult. There appeared to be no easy answers to this issue other than giving it time.
As the meeting gradually drew to a close members noted the next meeting in November but several said that Costa was not ideal – too noisy with the air conditioning and not very confidential either with the need to speak up. It was agreed that Joan would try to identify another friendly venue with easy access. Hopefully she will have something to say on this in November but if anyone has other suggestions then please send them in.