Here are three questions I ask people who might be dying. There was a time when I wasn’t so direct until I realized that most people in the last year of life want to talk about dying. These questions help to establish a context for dying.

Context establishes meaning and meaning making in a culture that does not know how to die is important. Context can situate us and the dying person in a new and unfamiliar landscape. Context can help the dying person find the first steps on a path to a good death.

The first question, “Are you dying?” or, “Are you in the last year of life?” or, “What is your sense of what is going on.” Many people do not know they are dying even though they have a terminal diagnosis. Others deny that anything significant is happening. Still others will bargain for more time to die and miss their own dying in the process.

The second question, “Where do you want to die?” Approximately 80% will say they want to die at home. The reality is different. In North America (we’re taking about death from natural causes) about 20% will die at home. It takes a team to support a home death. If you are the one asking these questions, then it’s a good bet that you will be leading the team. You need to know where they want to die.

The third question, “What is your greatest fear?” Everyone has fears about dying. Expressing fear is the first step to allaying it. Talking about fear decreases anxiety and often reduces the need for medication.

Asking questions of dying people is the beginning of an important dialogue. These questions and others have practical and existential value. They help the dying person to make the choices that bring about a good death.