When you are gone how will people remember you?
A write up of Death Cafe Brisbane, Australia
By Beth OBrien
Last night 10 people joined us for our second death café at Mt Gravatt.
There was again a delightful mix of people, and we had the opportunity to hear some insights from a palliative care nurse, and a hospital chaplain working with the oncology ward. Amongst the group were also team members from Karuna http://www.karuna.org.au/ community and home palliative care who again shared some wonderful insights. We thank them for their openness in sharing, and for all the other people for their honest sharing and wisdom.
Many topics were covered and we shared, laughed and sometimes sighed at the information and the storytelling. We discussed some “processes” – like what do you do when someone dies at home, who do you call, what do you do when someone dies in a care facility or hospital. This lead to the topic of respecting patient choices, advance health directives, more palliative care vs hospital admissions.
The topic of spirituality was weaved into the conversation many times, with members discussing the Buddhist principles, Christian principles, and atheist principles, and how we would approach families and people facing death with diverse spiritual beliefs or non-beliefs. The element of impermanence from the Buddhist teachings was discussed.
We pondered on “what do we leave behind”, are we ever dead if someone still remembers us, if something we have done ripples down into the following generations. Irvin D Yalom’s book Staring at the Sun, talks about this concept called “rippling”, below is an excerpt from his book. Talking of future generations we then discussed the use of social media for people who are seeking death education information, grieving, or looking for support. We wondered if this was a great tool, or would real hugging be better (of course real hugging can’t be replaced!). Funnily we heard about a Tumblr page called “Selfies at Funerals”.
Maybe the digital era is just what we need to make death conversations a normal part of conversations.
Professor Irvin Yalom so eloquently describes their potential legacy in a concept he calls “Rippling”.
Of all the ideas that have emerged from my years of practice to counter a person’s death anxiety and distress at the transience of life, I have found the idea of ‘rippling’ singularly powerful. Rippling refers to the fact that each of us creates – often without our conscious intent or knowledge – concentric circles of influence that may affect others for years, even for generations. That is, the effect we have on other people is in turn passed on to others, much as the ripples in a pond go on and on until they’re no longer visible but continuing at a nano level. The idea that we can leave something of ourselves, even beyond our knowing, offers a potent answer to those who claim that meaninglessness inevitably flows from one’s finiteness and transiency. ………
……. Rippling, as I use it, refers instead to leaving behind something from your life experience; some trait; some piece of wisdom, guidance, virtue, comfort that passes on to others, known or unknown.