Belleville, IL Death Cafe
A write up of Belleville, IL Death Cafe
By maggieboone
Belleville Death Café welcomed five new participants at our January meeting. With a recent loss of a husband and a son, as well as one new participant diagnosed with Parkinson’s, the new participants were curious about what a Death Café was. They had questions and even though there never is a clear answer on why a husband doesn’t wake up, a son dies before mom and dad, or who will end up with a disease such as Parkinson’s, we were able to discuss the impact of death and dying. It was interesting to hear about the difference in the ability to cope with death.
The woman diagnosed with Parkinson’s wanted to know how to prepare her family for the possibility of her death. Life expectancy for people with Parkinson’s who receive proper treatment is often about the same as for the general population. While the disease itself is not fatal, related complications can reduce life expectancy. We talked about Michael J. Fox who was 29 when diagnosed (now about 54) and still acting, living life. It is also interesting to note that Muhammad Ali diagnosed at age 42, died in June of 2016 at age 74. We discussed various ways to start a conversation about death with family members. Our library contained two movies that might help begin that conversation. One was “Tuesdays with Morrie,” and the other one was “The Five People You Meet in Heaven.” There are poignant messages in both movies and may inspire conversation.
Here are some suggestions for bringing death into everyday discussions with almost everyone in your life:
1. Recognize opportunities to talk about death.
Start listening for natural openings to bring up death and dying. When you are part of a conversation about terrorism in the Middle East or a natural disaster for example, add comments like “I wonder what the families of the dead are going through right now,” or “How does a community deal with so many dying people after a tragedy like that?”
2. Start with the impersonal approach.
Most people will be more comfortable talking about death in general terms rather than from a personal perspective. When you first bring up the subject with co-workers or casual associates, keep your death references impersonal by talking about historical or newsworthy events rather than asking direct and confronting questions. For example, talk about the death of a public figure or celebrity (like David Bowie or Glenn Frye) and the impact it has had on society and even on your own life.
3. Be responsive when death affects a friend or co-worker.
If someone in your workplace experiences the death of a loved one, utilize that situation to start more personal conversations about grief and loss. Teach your co-workers how to react to grief and create a plan to offer support to the one who has suffered a loss. I have frequently heard stories from people who returned to work after experiencing a family death to find that not one person would talk to them about their grief or even acknowledge that a tragedy had occurred. If you are comfortable with death, you can help your friends and co-workers get more comfortable too.
4. Ask questions about death.
If you would like to have a conversation with an older loved one about planning for their own end-of-life, start with this question: “What was it like when your parents (or siblings) died?” Many older people will have stories about the death of their own loved ones and will be eager to share them. Listen intently and make note of details: what was especially unpleasant for them, what did they cherish, what circumstances did they regret. When you have a clear picture of their feelings about these deaths, you can ask, “What would you like to be different when it is your time to die?”
5. Share interesting books or media that deal with death.
Talk about books you have read that deal with death as a way to start a conversation. For example: “The Legacy Letters,” which contains letters from a dying father to his unborn children. You might add that it got you thinking. What would you want to write in a letter for your children to read after you die?”
You could also mention a movie you’ve seen recently, such as The Bucket List or Still Alice as a conversation-starter about the end-of-life. There are games like My Gift of Grace (surprisingly fun game about end of life that families around the world are using to start meaningful conversations and costs about $25) to discover thought-provoking questions about death and dying like “What song would like to hear on your last day alive?” You might suggest playing the game after a dinner with friends or just read a few of the questions to open up a death-related discussion.
6. Tell stories about death.
One of the most effective ways to stimulate conversations about death is to tell stories about your own personal experiences with death and dying. Talk about what happened and how you felt, but take care not to sensationalize the details or generate fear in your listeners. Be matter of fact about what happened and point out that these are normal and natural occurrences.
7. Teach children about death from an early age.
You can begin talking about death with children in a non-frightening way by pointing out how the leaves on a tree die each autumn and then nourish the soil so that new leaves can grow in the spring. Emphasize that death is a normal part of the cycle of life and then find other opportunities to talk about death, like when you discover a dead insect or bird in the yard or when a pet dies.
Plan funerals for dead animals and family pets and create rituals for saying goodbye and honoring the transition from life to death. Read books that deal with death like Badger’s Parting Gifts by Susan Varley; Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert; and Grandma’s Scrapbook by Josephine Nobisso The knowledge you share and the ceremonies you teach your children will be extremely important preparation for dealing with the deaths of loved ones in the future.
If you want to make a difference in how we deal with dying in our society, make a commitment to include death as a normal part of your conversations in everyday life. Be courageous and creative as you spread the word that death is not to be feared, but respected as a necessary part of life.
(This post is part of Common Grief, a Healthy Living editorial initiative summarizing Dr. Karen Wyatt’s book, “What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying.. Grief is an inevitable part of life, but that doesn’t make navigating it any easier. The deep sorrow that accompanies the death of a loved one, the end of a marriage or even moving far away from home, is real. However, while grief is universal, we all grieve differently.)
This was made clear by the participant and her husband who shared thoughts about a grief support group they had attended. They shared that one member of the grief support was still grieving after 10 years and they wondered if the group itself was enabling the continuation of grief. This brought up the discussion between “moving on vs. moving forward.” The father of the son who had been killed in a motorcycle accident explained his perception of both of these sayings. He felt moving on is something one does after a relationship breakup or similar losses. He stated the difference after the death of a loved one involves moving forward. I guess that merits further discussion and it makes total sense because the void the deceased loved one leaves is not something one can move on from; however, one can eventually move forward with life.
It will be interesting next month to expound on these conversations. The next Belleville Death Café will be on Saturday, Feb 18th. Look for announcement.