Denver Death Cafe - Undoing the Taboo
A write up of Denver's 2nd Death Cafe
By Anita Larson
The red and gold leaves of autumn glistened as 36 participants entered the Heflebower Funeral Home in Highlands Ranch, CO for Denver’s 2nd Death Café. This cozy, comfortable setting looks more like a Colorado mountain lodge than a funeral home. Attendees ranging in age from 27-85 talked about death while sipping tea and enjoying delicious cake.
Anita Larson, Facilitator & Celebrant provided background on the history of Death Café, the rules about no selling or promotion, respectful sharing and honoring all lifestyles and faiths.
A moderator was designated for each of the smaller groups of 5 or 6 and this format allowed for everyone to speak to share their thoughts. Each group was given a Death Café Menu with topics to talk about OR they could come up with their own discussion points. Suggested topics: memorializing loved ones, preparations for death, fears or concerns about death and dying, near death experiences and what happens after death.
The room was abuzz with uplifting, enlightening, positive discussion. At first, there was a sense of relief and surprise that so many people were interested in openly discussing death. There were intermittent bursts of laughter and instant connections were made.
A first-time attendee commented, “I had no idea what to expect. This group puts a positive spin on death by allowing participants to talk about the inevitable and sharing experiences. By doing that, it makes death more embraceable. It gives you a feeling that it’s an experience you participate in rather than having it happen to you. I learned so much! Thank you for organizing this. I will be back!”
One moderator summarized her group’s thoughts, “The #1 reason that we (society) don’t discuss death is because of fear. Our group found it’s a paradox that the fear of the unknown keeps us from discussing it. We also think that discussing it somehow brings up our own mortality.”
Another individual talked about a near death experience or at least a connection to a deceased father after her surgery. She distinctly saw him in the room and he said not to worry about dying.
One group discussed what kind of service they would like to have. Band and beer, celebration at a separate site from the funeral home, ritualistic by the church, lots of songs, friends talking on my behalf, etc. Get the service over so friends can connect and re-acquaint.
Lifting the death and dying taboo was the focus in this group. Ensure acknowledgement and recognition in the 11th hour, both of the dying person and for the loved ones. Re-establishing the tribal/community experience of death: it takes a village mentality. Will Facebook have a Virtual Cemetery?
Our group talked a lot about hospice and end of life care. Here's what we learned:
1. Not all hospices are the same and not all of them will follow your specified end of life choices. Therefore, it's important to interview hospices and find out what their policies are.
2. If you have a DNR order in place, do not call 911. When EMTs arrive on scene, they are in charge of all medical decisions and their job is to revive patients.
3. Download, fill out, and have on hand a MOST (medical order scope of treatment) in addition to your advanced directives.
4. Have executed copies of the MOST and your advanced directives in multiple places. One should be with your medications, one should be on file with your doctor, and one should be with a family member or close friend. This increases the likelihood your end of life wishes will be carried out.
5. Talk with family members about your end of life wishes and memorialize the conversation on paper so that there is a record of what you want.
In our group we discussed the normalization of death to enhance living. Honoring death makes you more alive. The gift of listening is a two-way gift – family participation, conversation, and a community to experience death, multi-generational. Healthcare = Business.
The event was rated a 5 out of 5 by every attendee except one who gave it a 4. Comments from some of the evaluation forms:
“I am actively involved in this topic but I always am affected and moved by hearing others feelings.”
“The openness and respectfulness of the discussion was marvelous!”
“It was so pleasant, interesting and polite. Glad to know I am not the only one who thinks about dying.”
Would you say that attending this event affected your feelings about death and /or life?
“I never really thought about my own mortality before. It does kind of cause you to consider the life that you are currently living and that you really only have so much time.”
“Yes, it reinforced them.”
“My views have not changed, but it was interesting to hear other’s points of view.”
“I learned so much about Advanced Directives and Hospice.”
Which 3 words best describe your experience with Denver Death Café?
Life, Love, Death
Enriching, Enlightening, Educational
Eye opening, Reassuring, Engaging
Impressive, Inviting, Informative
At the next Denver Death Café in November, the snow may be falling, however attendees will put on their boots and winter coats to trek out to attend this monthly discussion on death.
“Live every day as if it were your last, because one day you’ll be right.”