Firm Dates and Surprise Cakes!
A write up of Death Cafe Des Moines
Last night, one of our members told me that she had declined going out with friends that evening, because she was tired and it was icky out. When she got home, her husband told her that it was Death Cafe night, and she was immediately energized! What a great testament to the conversation our group members provide at Death Cafe!
This was the third Death Cafe hosted by the Young Bereavement Professionals Group, and in that short time we have developed a small group of regulars who join us each month. Last night, one of these "regulars" brought a cake that she had made for Death Cafe, and another member offered to bring cake next month! It is so gratifying to be a part of this community, to see our participants connect with one another, and to see us grow together - challenging each other to stretch our perceptions, comforting each other during personal stories, and affirming each person's beliefs and interests.
Our conversation was kicked off last night by one member who brought some Victorian-era hair jewelry/mementoes. It was very cool to see these old pieces, and hear her experiences with collecting them. This led to a very interesting conversation about modern mourning vs. mourning in the past, specifically the items we wear to signify grief, how long we wear them, who recognizes these items, and their modern value. The same member who brought the hair jewelry was able to shed light on Victorian mourning rituals, such as the clothes widows wore (including timeline), and social obligations of grieving persons (using black-tipped stationary and business cards, etc.). Some modern mourning pieces we discussed were thumbprint necklaces, necklaces/paperweights made using cremains, t-shirts, rubber bracelets, and window decals. “Who do we wear these for?” was a good question someone brought up. Things like window decals are a very public way to express your grief, but rubber bracelets and necklaces are not something that the public is likely to notice, unless they are wearing the same thing. Wearing these pieces is like the secret handshake you use when entering a selective club. Most people may not understand, but those few who do REALLY understand!
We talked briefly about postmortem photography of the 1800s. For some, it was a surprise that this existed, and for others, a surprise that not everyone knew about it! Back when photography was new, it was very expensive, so few people took photos, unless it was a significant occasion. That led into a discussion about funeral selfies and the rise of photoshopping deceased loved ones into current photos. One member also related that someone in her family had put a photo of Grandma and Grandpa at the head of the Thanksgiving food table last year, and how it felt to see them there at the holiday.
Several members of our group have worked/volunteered with hospices, and they related how it felt to spend time with someone who was dying, the importance of silence versus noise when remembering the dead, and the choices the dying make, specifically the choice to die when family members present or gone from the room. Someone brought up the studies that have been done on the “weight” of the soul. Several studies have been produced that cannot account for 4-7 ounces leaving the body when someone dies. We didn’t have time to delve into the topic tonight, but it will likely come up again next month.
We touched briefly on how we avoid talking to kids after a death, and how this increases fear and shame in little minds that still have the power of magical thinking. This was another end-of-the-night topic that will likely come up again next month.
Each time we meet, we set an alarm for 20 minutes before the end of the group, and we go around asking people if there are other topics they want to discuss, or things they want to bring up at our next Death Café. Knowing what people want to talk about helps us to prepare for the next meeting. For example, a facilitator had heard about a company here in Iowa that will make an urn that can be used as a stuffed animal when your pet dies. Some of us loved the idea of a snuggly animal urn, and others were horrified by the idea, agreeing with the facilitator that, “You don’t cuddle your dead pets!” This month will give everyone a chance to look up the company, so we can have a more thoughtful discussion if anyone brings it up next month. Other topics we didn’t get a chance to dive into last night: does life end after death?, memorial tattoos, importance of hearing our Loved One’s voices/seeing videos after death, how we feel/see our Loved Ones after death (signs they are ok), and a few articles/videos about the effects of early loss on life and the importance of discussing death while we are still living.
Our group has decided to hold Death Cafes on the 3rd Tuesday of each month. We think having a firm date each month will give us a greater ability to get the word out and invite more people to attend. We found a great local café that allows us to use their large meeting space for free, which has lots of 4-8 person tables, making it easy to accommodate both large and small groups. The Young Bereavement Professionals Group has been delighted to share in the conversation each month, and we look forward to seeing everyone again in December!
