Tucson Death Cafe Summer Digest
A write up of Friendly & Fearless Tucson Death Cafe
JUNE
New place! New time! We outgrew our meeting room in Bookmans Used Book’s community space. We chose Monterey Court Café and Galleries as a new location. At our June gathering 23 people attended, including me and Cindy as co-facilitators. We kept the conversation the most open we had in any Café format, due partly to not knowing how things would go in the new setting and partly to being ready for a rest after two meetings in May!
We had nearly an hour of small group conversations at tables, with some people enjoying dinner and others, just drinks. Once people finished eating, the majority of the small table groups convened further back on the patio, to a quieter place conducive to a large circle of conversation. People introduced themselves and said what was happening for them in the conversations they’d had so far in the evening. One table of four people stayed in their group for the conversation they were enjoying – we like to leave this freedom open for people – as some conversations lend themselves better to the smaller groups and people enjoy those interactions more.
Overall – the evening went very well, although adjusting to the new venue with live music and a later meeting time (7:00-9:00pm vs. 4:00-6:00pm) was a bit challenging for some folks. We decided to meet later to facilitate a better timing for people trying to get there after work hours.
As facilitators, Cindy and I realized keeping the group more in the 12-15 guests range (as recommended by Jon) is definitely optimal for both breadth and depth of meaningful conversations.
JULY
From Cindy (Kristine was on holiday!): The July cafe was awesome! There were 11 of us, and get this: five women, six men!! Pretty cool, huh? Almost all new people, too. Four people had been to the June gathering, and the rest were new. The discussion flowed great, lots of discussion about fear, the need to allow ourselves to experience feelings- grief, loneliness, fear, etc. Some discussion about the need for and importance of final wishes, arrangements, etc. I had taken my little collection of things to read, if needed, and I did end up reading one thing in the midst of discussion, as it felt timely, and then read a paragraph from The Grace in Dying that felt appropriate for the closing. It was just a very easy going, relaxed environment, and felt very intimate. Had much positive feedback and the two-hour time frame also felt just perfect.
A few thoughts from participants: “This was a good meeting. I had some and insights and leave with a more contented feeling than when I arrived. I liked the smaller groups and that we talked freely regarding death and our personal experiences.” ~ Barry
“I was really pleased by the mood you set – everyone seemed to feel free to speak and we covered so many different topics. I appreciate it!” ~ Elizabeth
Reading Cindy offered before closing the circle:
“I sat with a man once as he lay in his deathbed, several days from his death. From his angle of vision, with his head lovingly propped on clean linens over smoothed pillows, his eyes went directly to the window beyond his feet. Framed in the window were the sky and a tree. To me he whispered, "All my life, I've been so busy...I don't think I ever really saw blue before. I never saw green. Until now....How beautiful they are." Once I went in the early morning to visit a woman who had been immobilized by a tumor wrapped around her spinal cord; she was in the final throes of her disease. She told me of the joy she experienced each morning when she opened her eyes and found herself breathing: "How beautiful it is to breathe...each breath...in...and out....I'm here!" This is the level of consciousness from which I have heard people who were dying declare, "I have never been more fully alive." One dying woman was asked what she wanted to be doing when she was dying. She answered, "Living." (Taken from “The Grace in Dying” by Kathleen Dowling Singh)
AUGUST
It was a COOL monsoon night in the desert – so our group of 16 enjoyed sitting outside together – having some eats + drinks + discussion and basking in the glory of the evening at Monterey Court while live music played. Among us were three brave men and we ranged in age from 20’s to early 80’s.
I was recently inspired by a book a friend gave me called “Beyond Knowing: Mysteries & Messages of DEATH & LIFE from a Forensic Pathologist” written by Janis Amatuzio, MD. So I took the author’s “Six Secrets” from the book and made them into folded decorative cards, sitting on each table. (As you can see from the photo, my kitty helped me in the creative department. He liked the Third Secret best.) These secrets were the catalysts for discussion at the tables of three or four; folks were encouraged to swap secrets when they wished.
At an hour into the meeting, once people who ordered dinner were finished, we gathered on the south patio to a quieter place for a large group conversation in a circle. I folded the secret cards inside out, so the secrets were revealed on the flagstone patio by candlelight, sitting in the center of the circle. Everyone said their name and a word or phrase about how they felt to be present. Then the wider conversation opened into what transpired while folks discussed the secrets in smaller groups. It was an expansive dialogue, to say the least!
We discussed fears, judgment, the ability to let go of control, recognizing death as opposite birth – not opposite life, the need for us to express our final wishes, the gift of clarity around those wishes, and so on and so on. We had secrets to add to the list of six, to be sure.
In case you’re wondering, here are Dr. Amatuzio’s six secrets:
1. 1. Trust Yourself
2. 2. We Already Know This
3. 3. We are Awakening
4. 4. We are All Connected
5. 5. There is No Need to Fear
6. 6. All is Well
Here are some words people used to describe their experience at our Tenth Friendly & Fearless Cafe:
Beautiful fun educational Comfortable interesting inspiring Amazing awesome love Honest calm peaceful Intention insight hopeful
These descriptors match our intentions and the foundational Death Café guiding principles. My heart nearly bursts with gratitude at how people continually come to this metaphorical well for a good, long, thirst-quenching drink.
Comments
If there is an opening...please send me an invitation to your next meeting.
Thanks,
John
plan@johnvelez.com
Posted by John Velez