I began by asking what people themselves said about how they prepared for death and dying. In one place where I spent a lot of time visiting (over 10 years), a small kingdom in Africa called Swaziland (eSwatini) affected by AIDS, I learned it there, to them, it was about dignity.

Dignity is a funny word. It usually means being respectably treated to American listeners. To the people I met there it also means, in their language, shadow, personality, or soul, and everyone else has a hand in making you the person you become. That's not easy. It's a lifetime of love. And hard work.

Having lost a partner since the end of writing about all of this, I've come to think differently about my own feelings about dying and death. Learning is a journey. Thank you to Death Cafe folks for being a good set of recurrent stopping points along the way.