November Meeting Musings
A write up of Montpelier Death Cafe
November 2015 Montpelier Death Cafe
After Meeting Thoughts
"It's a big deal to die"
There was something different about this month's meeting of the Montpelier Death Cafe on Thursday the 19th. The specter of the terrorist attacks in Paris, Beirut, and Nigeria was certainly heavy and some spoke openly about their reactions to death on that scale in such tragic circumstances. But, whatever the reason, this month the group spoke more openly about their personal fears -especially with regards to their personal deaths- confronting not just mortality in general, but the absolute finality of their own lives and how that made them feel. In beautiful counterpoint we also spoke about how to build community support networks to support the dying and the pain of grieving.
Our night traded off on these three topics, political, personal, and communal but a common thread ran through. "Watching the aftermath [of our political response to the Paris attacks] I see people responding out of fear, and I see how that causes us to lose our moral center," one person said. "I don't want to lose my humanity when I die out of fear of death," said another. "Death is so fear inspiring. How am I going to be able to open, and present, and vulnerable? How do I not get lost in the fear?" said a third person. No matter the circumstances, responding from the heart seemed the crucial part of facing death.
When death is something that happens to all of us, and yet is different for all of us; when death is something that knocks us off center, and yet leaves one at a loss to find balance; when being present is the most important thing and still the hardest thing we can do for another what do we do to stay connected to our heart? These were just some of the questions that came up in our group. Questions that elicited meaningful responses. One person talked about how "death is such a natural part of life and we are so profoundly unprepared for it that all we can do it talk about it more." One person spoke of how a friend's meditation practice had helped her find her center "wherever she was" so that even in dying she found balance and peace. Another spoke of their own loss and how "to connect with people I go to the tender places in my soul."
"It's a big deal to die." As unique as death is it is also a commonality that connects all of us and whether we feel afraid or even angry there is power in resolving not resist death but "to face it with grace". In trying to reach a point where "you are ok with death, and you can accept what happens and accept each other even when it's too soon, too young." In being present so that someone can "expose their own rawness without others looking away."
And it is possible to do these things. When someone said: "Coming to terms with dying doesn't mean not being afraid or angry anymore, it just means that we don't those emotions dominate our reactions," another responded "and I can work on my reactions by coming to Death Cafe and talking about death and dying." One person spoke about how life is a finite resource but our consumer culture has taught us to "see everything as if it is unlimited so that we can't see that there is nothing wrong with less." Another spoke about how the language we use when talking about death helps us keep our distance from the realities of dying and grieving because "grief, pain, loss of control- all these ideas are terrifying," because even if we've never experienced them in the wake of death we do know how they've felt when we experienced them don't want to feel that way again.
One thing is certain, in life we face many challenges with the help of our loved ones and communities, why should death not be one of them?
Michelle Acciavatti, Co-Facilitator
If you would like to submit your own write-up to a meeting please email: montpelierdeathcafe@gmail.com
