Death Cafe in Marrickville
A write up of Death Cafe in Marrickville
By mknight
A write up of Marrickville Death Café – February, by Michele Knight
Our first Death Café for 2015 welcomed the year in its usual location, Lazy Bones Lounge, in Marrickville, Sydney. A combination of “old” and “new” faces escaping the heat of the supposed last day of Summer sat together in the now familiar overstuffed couches and eclectic surroundings to discourse on death, and of course to eat cake! As the Death Café commenced, I couldn’t help but notice the contrast between what was taking place inside Lazy Bones Lounge with what was taking place outside; a vibrant community street festival.
It seemed to me that it was the juxtaposition of life and death and the inherent contradiction of that juxtaposition that was playing out before all of us. I had attended the funeral of a beloved friend the day before and somehow it seemed fitting that our first Death Café for 2015 should indeed take place the day after the funeral. Quantum physicists postulate that the way we experience time is an illusion, that it doesn’t happen in a linear way and that there is no difference between the past , the present and reality. The Buddhists talk about living in the present moment, esoteric Christianity talks about living in the now … is it our memories then that transcend the social construct of time because they all coexist with one another, irrespective of when the events that generated them occurred?
Conversation ebbed and flowed; some chose to sit quietly, listen and absorb while others animatedly discussed such questions and attitudes as, “Is there a time when not thinking about death is a good thing?” and “I’m not ready to die so I don’t think about it”. People also talked about what brought them to Death Café. Some were simply curious, some had experienced a death event and simply wanted to be in a space where they could talk freely without being viewed negatively.
Another topic discussed was death in the media. An article in the Sydney Morning Herald entitled Final Project, which discusses the voluntary euthanasia campaigning of Peter Short a corporate high flyer diagnosed with terminal cancer sparked an animated discussion on the pros and cons of physician-assisted dying and the choice to end one’s life on their own terms. Another article written by Philip Adams in the Australian discussed the Australian death row inmates in Indonesia and the question was raised, “Is it a bad thing to know when you are going to die?”
Another interesting issue which was raised was the situation of family and friends not wanting a funeral. Again this sparked another animated discussion on the importance of recognising and acknowledging the needs of the deceased individual, even if those needs were contrary to the needs of the family, the meaning of “closure”, and the role of ritual in burials. Viewing the body was another issue raised. Discussion revolving around this issue highlighted a number of perspectives and as always, personal experiences and it was generally agreed that activity relating to death had become pathologised; that it was “morbid” and implicit in that attitude was social distaste. One group member didn’t tell anyone she was coming to the Death Café as she was worried about other’s reactions. Another talked about her family’s unease at the length of time she had sat alone with her deceased father’s body.
Some general comments about attending the Death Café included, “I’ll be back and I’ll recommend it to others”, “I’d encourage them [to attend]”, “Go for it”, “Highly recommended” and “Can discuss death in a supportive environment”. Group members feelings on how they experienced Death Café included, “Warm, friendly, diverse”, “Comfortable, exploratory, the right place”, “Confronting, challenging, unique”, “Enriching, interesting, quirky”, “Safe, deep, comforting” and “Interesting, calming, thought provoking”. While all of these reflections captured particular elements of what Death Café can be, and perhaps is, the words “Safe, deep, comforting” for me, capture the essence of what Death Café hopes to achieve; finding a sense of rhythm with our own finite mortality.