Buffalo Death Cafe





What 52-year-old do you know looks forward to a weekly chat group held in Amherst, New York called the “Death Café?” Before one thinks I’m fatalistic or death-obsessed, let’s do the numbers.

We all are born and we all die. We live in an aging society and region where over 16% of Erie County and almost 22% of Amherst is over 65 years old. I figured there would be no shortage of death and dying talk. Conversation about death is not unique to West New York - currently, there are over 1300 Death Cafés in 26 counties - these are registered although I suspect there are more informal versions.

I was eager to see if this was a bereavement support group or as advertised, a “death discussion group.” Who would actually sit for 90 minutes and talk “death” if you had not been personally affected. I am still affected by the sudden loss of my husband 12 years ago. While life is good now – it was not for a long time and I often think about the years where I raised my two children solo, trying to juggle work, bereavement and finding love again.

The facilitator, Andre Toth a well-known local psychotherapist – himself 77 years old, asked the 10-person group why they came and to share expectations of the group that meets for six sessions, several times a year. Sure enough, many people had close encounters with death, unfortunately some as young children when parents died. 

How can you talk about death, someone you miss, and not get emotional? The group has an intellectual, cerebral element, even when feelings are mentioned. During the sessions we spoke about our perceptions of death, regrets, how we want to be remembered, definition of “good death,” and even the word “death.” Andre introduced a Boggle-type game. The goal was to list as many synonyms to word “dead” as possible. My list was the longest, I suspect because I used idioms. Some included: “pushing up daisies,” worm food,” kaput, six feet under and “hasta la vista baby.”  We all revolted against the soft term, “passed away.” Why gloss over reality of finality?

The group laughs a lot talking about loved ones, their traits, funny anecdotes and historical views of death. One woman shared stories of her young mom who only wore black after a husband died (in 1933) and never remarried – “who would marry a woman with four children during the Depression?” The mom did get one marriage offer with the stipulation that she put all four children in the orphanage. “Get lost!” was the answer.

In a preparatory question, Andre asked, how do you feel when many of your peers die?  A woman whose husband of 63 years died this past summer, said “I have a choice, to be sad and miss those who are dying around me, or choose life and be happy and active.” Another participant answered, “it might be hard to choose happiness if you suffer from depression. You are lucky that joy is an option.”

“Regret” as an issue of looking back on one’s life gets lots of air time. Most people are over 70 in the group (except two) and feel the passing of time has taught them to speak more boldly, take more risks and value family and friends.

Many may think the death talk is morbid, defeatist and depressing. But If Death Cafés encourages people to live life, take risks to grow, and value each other, how bad can that really be? Sounds like it should be renamed to “Life Café.”

To learn more, contact: Karla Wiseman, Adult Services, Jewish Community Center of Greater Buffalo, 204-2257, or visit deathcafe.com. 



Comments


where and when do you meet?


Posted by jeremy Bruenn


I am interested in attending the Death Cafe in Amherst. Could you please send me some information?
Thank you.
cricketgordon@mac.com


Posted by Cricket Gordon


I'm interested in attending the Death Cafe in Amherst. Could you please let me know times and important details of the group


Posted by Jackie

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