Two years is nothing when you’ve lost your mum
Posted by Kiran Sidhu
Two years on I see my mother's untimely death as a defining moment in my life; it has changed me, shaped me, taken away any innocence, swamped me, it has filled my mind, taken my heart hostage and changed the past. I say it has changed the past because memories of past events, before she died, have changed. Otherwise innocuous memories have become painful, because they are memories of what was before, before it happened, before cancer happened, before death came knocking at our door. I knew her death would change the future, but I never thought that it would also change the past. My mother's death has dictated my life for most of two years and now I can feel it has morphed into an almost gentle narration. I know her death will narrate the rest of my life. The narration changes from gentle storytelling and guidance to unspeakable horror of losing her, the kind of horror you have when you're five years old and you lose your mother briefly in the supermarket and all your nightmares come true. My life now reads like a poem; a lament for my mother. Death had never felt so real to me as it did when she died, even though it had taken away loved relatives in the past. I see death as a visible formidable force now. I will never forget how death crept into my mother's hospital room a week before she died, just before she fell into a coma. I remember how it slipped from underneath the door and sat in the corner of the room like sumo wrestler, so palpable and apparent was its presence. For a week it swam around the room creating shadows, it teased us and we prayed that it would leave. Its presence grew bigger and bigger until the fifth day it claimed my mother, it took her under its cloak of darkness and like a gigantic poisonous mushroom it has shaded my life. Everyone has a defining moment, the moment their life changed irrevocably. This is mine. And in that moment when time stood still, I was given new eyes and senses; things look and smell different than they did before. I now stop when I walk pass a rose bush, I smell the rose and I understand its purposeful life, its connection with pollen and bees. But there are days when everything's muted and vanilla and I no longer can smell the roses. Two years on I understand how the loss of one important life can unravel the lives of so many. I now know that the death of a giant of a person, like my mother was to us, can undo the rest of our individual lives, look at the lives you undid, mum. The cushion that said 'Home', that sat so quietly and innocently on the sofa, has been picked at, its embroidery and letters so brutally unravelled. Home was a feeling that now lies dormant. New Years' eve felt especially traumatic, not only was it the day that she was buried, but it marked the movement of time. Never before have I felt the world move on its axis so profoundly. I have never been so reluctant to embrace a new year, I'm not comfortable with the way it's making my mother a part of history, making her as part of history as much as, say, Anne Boleyn. The grief and the pain of loss from losing my mum has not disappeared, it's forever present, it's like a gentle rustle of leaves in the wind and other times it's a tornado. We maybe into another year mum, but you're no further away than you were last year or the year before that, because love, as I've come to realise, two years on, transcends space and time.
Comments
Kiran, like you I lost my mom on Christmas eve. In my case it was one year later. I still feel it every single day. I know that howl. I had been my mom's caretaker for four years. I had to leave my career to do it, but my mom wanted to live out her last days in her own home. Taking care of her, giving something back, was the greatest blessing of my life. That doesn't make it hurt any less. I was with her when she took her last breath. She died with her eyes open, looking at me and holding my hand. I was numb when they came to take her body away. Because it was Christmas eve, it took a while. I just sat next to her bed getting in that last gaze. I put her two little dogs on the bed with her. They didn't know. They just curled up next to her and took a nap. I wish that I hadn't known that she was truly gone. I woke up on Christmas morning. Once I got the cobwebs out of my head, I was hit with the reality of what had happened. Mom was gone. There I was a full grow man, like a lost child howling for my mom. A year and a half later I still howl, whimper, cry, and curl up on the floor. For me it has been a little over a year and a half. That is nothing. People who have suggested that I should be over it by now just don't understand. When I first lost mom, the phone just rang off of the hook. I had so many well wishers, so many shoulders to lean on. After a few weeks, I guess for them life was back to normal. I was still grieving. I still am. I have never known that type of unconditional love. I have never given that much unconditional love. I sometimes joke that no one will ever love you like your mama or your dog. There is a lot of truth in that. There is no time limit for grief. This is what I have learned about grief... IT IS. Maybe we will get better, maybe we will not. I don't know. It's too early for me and everyone's story is different. I can see my mom in nearly everything that I encounter in my day. I once talked to a counselor who tried to teach me coping skills when the grief was too much. Her suggestions seemed inane to me. I finally asked her, "Do you still have your mom?" She told me that she did. That was the end of the conversation for me. You have to be in the club to understand. Thank you for your article. The date of your mom's death hit very close to home. You say, "Mum." I say, "Mama." Different names but the intent is the same. The name, the word, it means love.
Posted by Brett
Mums are here forever in us as they gave us life and protected us mums stay by our sides even if they are not here they live in us because they are us this is always my comfort and cushion when I evaluate times past and present. When I see I see with her eyes and let her love guide me as it always has so in that way my mother will never be dead and I pass on that feeling I was left as much as I can to my wonderful daughter so she will know my mother s love and that way our mums can last forever . I was sad to hear these stories but I believe this hurt can be in the past if you carry your mums love to the 4 corners where ever you go . I hope weather it's sad or happy memories those memories are still here because it means the love you felt was the true love of a mother . I hope you can carry your mums love like she would want you too . So others can see that love shine
Posted by Hamish
I understand because I too am a member of this club. I lost my Mum and best friend 18 months ago. Nothing is the same as before, I just function for others. I stayed with my mum holding her until she took her last breath. There are no words to adequately explain the unfathomable constant pain.
Posted by Jenny
All through my life it as always been just me and my mum
My mum suffered for years with chronic kidney failure she sadly passed away 19 days ago due to this cruel disease COVID and because of this she was alone in hospital when she died I can not forgive myself for this I feel I have let her done as she was always there for me Her funeral is tomorrow and I just don’t want tomorrow to come I feel so empty and numb and can’t express how I am actually feeling I am trying to remain strong as my daughter is 8 months pregnant but inside I feel I have died as well. I have so many feelings of anger and bitterness towards COVID and leaving my mum die alone Are these feelings normal
Posted by Suzanne
Mom
My mom had a massive stroke the doctor’s gave her 1-3 weeks to live. She was very healthy. And showed no signs But they found cancer throughout her whole body. My mom is on her death bed. I spend my days at her house by her side. Feeding her apple sauce and giving her sponges full of water. She sleeps most of the day. She gives me small gifts every day. Rubing my hand giving me a kiss. In my mother’s grave condition she still continues to still give. My mom has given to more people then any one else Iv ever met. My mom could go tmrw could go in June. Could go next week. But this is the worse experience of my life. And I will never be the same.
Posted by Alex
I too am a member of this club. It has been 2 years and I do not feel any better. The loss is still with me everyday if not every hour. My mother had cancer. It seemed to last so long but we struggled with it for 2 years and then she was gone. They said she would be gone after three weeks when she was first diagnosed. We kept waiting for death and it did not come. We enjoyed time together and yet now that she is gone...it seems bitter sweet because I want more time....I have more to say even though I tried to say it all in the 2 last years I had....I will never be able to say it all to my mother. I feel like I did not do enough even though I did all I could when she was here. I see mistakes I made after she was gone. I can only wait to see her in heaven again.
Posted by Marie
I am five days into losing my Mum to cancer and there are just no words to describe the excruciating pain, I feel like my brain has finally switched off and made me feel numb so that I can take care of my dad and sister in these dark hours. My mum was my best friend and I honestly don’t know how I am going to navigate life without her. Everything feels pointless and empty and I am terrified of after the funeral when all of the well wishers have faded into the background and I am just left with this gaping hole in my heart. I have never felt so surrounded by people and their love and yet felt so lonely and desperate.
Posted by Amy
My heart goes out to all of you and my gratitude, the difference it has made to me since finding your post has been so helpful, I lost my Mum
And father just over 2 years ago.
I am an only child, my father was was an unpleasant complicated man, Mum was a lovely kind generous lady who deserved So much better in life.
One minute they was away walking the lakes next Mum went yellow 3 months later she was gone, I often ask where!
Where did she go, why?
My mum was my rock my best friend she supported me through my life without question always there.
She faced cancer with such grace and dignity, my father made the whole 3 months all about him his needs the way it was effecting him and my beautiful mum just wanted to die at home in the peace but he made it a living hell, refusing to let the medical teams in to help. an abusive man.
So when those last few moments came and Mum slipped away my heart was torn in two the pain was raw I wanted to scream but I didn't I followed my mums lead and remained dignified and the worse thing I felt relief relief she was at peace away from the horror of cancer away from the horror of him. BUT how could I feel relief how?
My mum has gone I am alone
I'll never get to take care of her look after her needs like she always did for me. It still hits me like waves in a storm and I feel unable to breath my heart aches.
Posted by Helen
I lost my mum 4 months ago to cancer - tomorrow (January 19th 2020) would be her 60th birthday.
I cannot describe the pain that I feel, I have a husband and 2 young girls, but I have a mum shaped hole that is so apparent - my chest aches for her. I too see the world differently now, everything feels altered, and I truly feel like a different person without her. At times I feel like a child and thoroughly helpless - there is no fixing this and knowing that as long as I live, I won't see her again is so hard.
No one can possibly understand how this feels unless they have lost a parent, I put my game face on most of the time - but isn't it exhausting?
Tomorrow we should be planning a big party and watching you blow out your birthday candles - not lighting a memorial candle next to your photograph. I miss you mum, my best friend - happy birthday.
Posted by Melissa
I feel your pain. I lost my mom two years ago. The difference is we weren’t close. She had always been distant. I was 54 years old when we finally starting talking and laughing together. Then suddenly she was in the hospital, she had never told me she felt bad. My dad and sister disappeared and it was just me and mom. She held my hand (My mother never held my hand in my life) as I put a cold compress on her head and she whispered in my ear “am I dying?“ It tore my heart in two...And within 10 minutes she was gone. Just like that.....Like you, my whole world exploded and changed in an instant. I do not see anything as I did before that day. I wish I could go back in time and start over, I miss her so much. Every night I cry after everyone goes to bed, I can’t seem to move on. It doesn’t seem real.
Posted by Sandy
The 23rd of this month makes 4 months that my mom passed away....she was in the hospital from April 2nd until the 23rd..we couldn’t visit her because of the COVID pandemic...she laid unconscious and passed away on the hospital bed...alone
My family and close friends of hers are devastated nothing feels the same....it’s the most surreal experience ever like a lucid nightmare and till this day I do my best to lose myself in this unforgiving pain...my faith in god had forever changed.i miss her so much and I’ve been grateful she has visited me in her dreams...but that only makes me feel worse. I died with her I just feel like a Empty plastic bag just going going along with the wind with no destination in mind.
Posted by Ramon
My mom died a year ago August and it feels like the world died too.
Posted by Sara
Adele
Thank you for your thoughts , I am two years in and I feel so hollow inside ? She was always happy to see me and me her , we were soul mates , I just don’t know how people live again after losing their mum , thank you for your help , sincerely carol
Posted by Carol
The pain never leaves, I cry at random intervals, I am just 19 I hoped she would survive, she would always say she was okay, I have no close relatives only friends who have problems of their own, I feel so lonely like I lost a part of me. Like I can’t function I feel weak and exposed, I feel hurt, I can never be truly happy can I? She died in so much pain. I fed her one more time and told the nurse to fill the oxygen. That was when they informed me. I still can’t wrap my head around it. I want to be with her. I want to die alongside her. How will I go on? It hurts so much
Posted by Tam
Two years it’s going to be on 21 January and d sadness and grief never left me since then . Heartbroken I hv been d day my mom left me all by myself . It’s a comfort to read all d comments dat it’s absolutely normal and sane to feel d way I feel . A lot of my near n dear ones hv distanced themselves . I miss her so much just so much .
Posted by CS
I lost my mum 24 days ago after a 9 months battle with metastatic small cell lung cancer. The pain and grief is unbearable. The emptiness I feel is indescribable. A word where she is no longer physically here is beyond grey. The family is shattered and I don't know where we go from here. I am trying to be strong and carry on as much as normal but I am plagued with constant thoughts. I was with her the last 6 days of her life, I wish and regret so many things but now its too late. Lord help me.
Posted by Becki
I lost my mum 2-years ago suddenly and unexpectedly. I am now 60 years old all my life I thought I was a strong man but even trying to write this is a struggle because the pain still sweeps over me at some point most days. I do realise how lucky I was to have have a wonderful mother for 58 years of my life and I know there's no right age to lose your mother but I guess I thought I would have her for another 10 years or more and then a gradual decline but it wasn't to be so didn't get chance to say goodbye. I just wanted to say i feel for you all and your not alone x
Posted by Andy Ferguson
I lost my mom 4 weeks ago when I wake up from a dream it doesn't feel real. She was my best friend my heart and my soul. I am a spiritual healer funny thing is I see spirits all the time I just haven't seen her, my guides keep telling me she will bbk to visit now am just at the stage of missing her! She passed away of lung cancer
Posted by Jules
I lost my mom 2yrs and 5 months ago I had lived with her The last 4yrs after my divorce in the house my dad built for us when I was 3yrs old I made sure she got to die in her room and I held her hand as she took her last breath I had rubbed her legs with lotion the night before and she told me how good it felt she was my rock my brother and niece made us sell the only home I’d know for 50yrs I was kicked out and had to move to a place unfimliar after staying in the house 2 yrs after she died I could feel her and daddy there and I at least felt I was home and their energy was there for the last 4 months that I haven’t been there I’m losing my mind I cry anytime I’m not at work and physically hurt all over I have no partner and no friends I’m alone and wish for death to just be with her again I don’t know how much longer I can hold on if it weren’t for my two boys ages 16 and 17 that I have to share time with my ex husband I would have already checked out I honestly can’t continue knowing she’s not here to talk to she’s the only unconditional love I’ve ever known
Posted by Carol Wheeler
22 months ago
I just read something that resonated. "I can look around me, my house, the yard, the kitchen is all the same and yet it feels different. It feels like my life lost some of it's color after she left, and the music in the background suddenly stopped playing." I miss her voice. I miss just knowing I can pick up the phone and call her. I moved her to my state/town 4 years before she died. We had a lot of fun together in those years. Lunches, shopping, grilling out in the back yard and enjoying the stars together later on. Peaceful time together. She always said she'd live to 120 years old. I believed her! Instead a stroke came and took her about 30 days later. She tried to fight it, but the stroke was just too massive. Sweet, sweet momma. Emma Leet. There will never be another like you. Your hats, your earrings, your outfits, your bright lipstick, and a touch of perfume, and your collection of sunglasses! So fun. God I miss you.
Posted by Diana Dickerson