As a rabbi, I have often been frustrated when encountering families where a death has occurred and they seem totally surprised and clueless. They are unclear about what they, not to mention the deceased, believe about death, what they want said/done/not done at the time of their death, and about how to negotiate the marketplace of offerings. Mostly, I believe, it is because they never really considered it would happen to anyone they know. And even if they did suspect that Death would darken their doorway, there was no one with whom to discuss their thoughts, concerns, or ideas. I admit, as a member of the religious establishment, that we might offer education (read: party line) but not open discussion.  It is a vicious circle.

Enter the Death Café, founded in 2011 by Jon Underwood in London England, based on the work of Swiss Sociologist Bernard Crettaz, and brought to the US by Lizzy Miles in 2012. It is a social franchise. In order to use the name Death Café and the website www.deathcafe.com, which is maintained by Underwood, one must agree to 4 principles. They are:

To offer conversation about death

-On a not for profit basis
- In an accessible, respectful and confidential space
- With no intention of leading people to any conclusion, product or course of action
- Alongside refreshing drinks and nourishing food – and cake.

The first Death Café Southbury was offered at The Jewish Federation of Western Connecticut on October 1, 2014. 9 people attended, mostly women in their 60’s and 70’s. It was astonishing how quickly these people who, just moments ago were strangers to one another, found kindred spirits and the conversation blossomed. Some said things like “Finally, I can ask the questions that have been on my mind.”  Or “I have always wondered what medical directives are.” The two hours weren’t nearly enough time to cover all that we had raised. It was clear that there was a need for more gatherings.

In the year since, we have held 17 Death Cafes. 6 were held in the evening, all others in the afternoon. 86 people have contact me regarding Death Café, some have attended once, others multiple times. The greatest repeat attendance was 9 times, by two different people. In total 151 have participated. We have consumed cake, cupcakes, fruit, pretzels, nuts, coffee, ice tea and lemonade. We have laughed (a lot), cried (some), and shared our concerns, questions, and experiences with others. We don’t always agree – try having the Right to Die proponent sitting across from the advocate for hospice….you get the picture. But we have been respectful.

At the last meeting there was a woman who was attending her second Death Café, and had not shared much. As the evening drew to a close she said, “I have always been afraid of death, and therefore have been afraid of life, not allowing myself to do much. But since I came to the last group, I have felt less afraid, freer, like I can do more in my life.”

I’ll eat cake and drink to that!!